Saturday, July 22, 2017


And I Sez, Baby…………….

So I’m settin’ in ma pickup truck
Tha fancy new ‘un I picked up last Sundy
Off an unattended lot
Eatin’ a hot Mary Calendar’s Turkey Pot Pie
Fresh outta tha microwave
That I done run a long cord from to the carport
Of a house that’s dark
Cause the owners done gone to town fer a bit
And my taste buds are a lovin’ it
And I’m a lookin’ for the salt shaker
Shaped like a crowin’ rooster
When I looks over at my baby
And I sez, Baby, what say we hit tha road
And ease on down to N’awlins
And go dancin’ on Burbon Street
And git our fortunes tole?
I thank I see a gas can a’settin’ over thar by tha shed
I betcha it’s full. Whatchoo say, Baby?

And Baby, she sez,
(Stretched out somewheres
Between tha seat and tha steering wheel
With her feet out tha window
And her long red hair almost in my pie,
She’s a swattin’ mosquitoes
And wrigglin like a crawdad in a crawdad hole,)
And she sez: Now, Rascal.……
We don’t have ta go nowheres like Burbon Street
To do no dancin’
Y’know we gots a whole bottle a’ Jim Beam
Up under tha seat……..
And I kin tell ya right now whut your fortune is
And that is that, you ain’t got no fortune
Cause you done spent it all
On that stupid Mar-ee Call-an-dar Pot Pie
Back yonder at that grocery store!

And she sits up and puts her face out tha winder
And turns her back to me and sighs
And I go on and finish my store bought pie
And takes me a big drink a’ grape Kool-aid
(That we done made in a Ziplock bag,)
I wipes my mouth with tha back of my hand,
Throw tha pie carton and tha spork out in tha bushes
And I taps her on tha shoulder and I sez:

Hell, Baby, what you want from me?
Don’t I provide you with a roof and a shelter?
Don’t I steal or kill enough fer us to eat on
When we’s hongry?
Don’t I love you enough fer twelve men?
Don’t I sing you to sleep ever night
And keep tha mosquitoes off ye part of tha time?
Don’t I give you back massages while you drive?
Don’t I take ya places and show ya thangs
And give ya an excitin’ life?
What more do you want from me, woman?
I mean…… Hell Far, Baby!

And she’s quiet-like fer a while
So I go on and pull tha lectrical cord
Out the outlet and roll it up and put it away
And put tha Kool-aid in tha ice chest
With tha orange popsicles and tha cheese and baloney
(Dadgum, a man gits tired a cheese and baloney all tha time!
Sometimes he wants a good hot dinner
Like Turkey Pot Pie er somethin, for cryin’ out loud!)
I make sure no body’s lookin’ and I hightail it across tha road
And swipe that red gas can which turns out ta be full
And I put it under tha tarp with tha microwave
And tha television and various and sundry other necessities
And gits back in tha truck.

Let’s git on outta here while tha gittin’s good, I sez
And she starts tha truck and we vamoooose down that dirt road
Doin’ forty mile a hour till we hit tha county line
And kin breathe a little easier…………
Finally, she slows down and turns ta me and sez:
Look, Rascal, look, lord knows I love ya and everthang
But sakes alive, man, I’m a grown woman and I have needs!
I needs me a nest and a place ta call mine and everthang
I can’t be a livin’ in no ole truck tha rest of my life!
You hear what I’m sayin?

And I nod ma head and look out tha winder
And I sez: Yeah, I hear ya, girl, I hear ya
I just don’t know whut to tell ya right now
Seeing as how I am financially humiliated at tha moment
And ain’t got no fortune as you has already pointed out ta me
Just as clear and plain as tha nose on my face,
But I promise ya, I will find a way ta work thangs out
Just as soon as I kin find a way ta work thangs out!
Meantime, let’s us just head on down ta Lousiana
And see what the Good Lord has in store fer us thar
And I will see whut me and Him can come up with. Alright?
And she sez, Alright and we head on down tha road.

She drives all night while I sleep
And then tha next day I sleep all day while she drives
And between tha two of us
We gits all tha way down into Cajun country
Where we stop and hunt crawfish and squirrel and camp out and barbecue
And have us a dandy high ole time
Dancing to Zydeco music on tha radio
And drankin’ Jim Beam and grape Kool-aid
(But not together, lordy, no, not together!)
And I look at her a smilin’ in tha sunshine
And gettin’ tipsy on Beam
And I gits me an idea.

Tha next three days I let her sleep
While I drive
(Which I don’t like to do
Cause I ain’t got no driver’s license)
(And no permit, neither)
But I figure nobody does down in tha bayou country
Lord only knows. I don’t know
But I keeps my eyes open and my head clear
And I prays fer guidance…………….

Bright and early on Thursday mornin’
Baby wakes up cause she been real tired
From our big night on tha town
And she stretches and yawns
Like a yeller cat a wakin’ in tha sunlight
And she looks around and she looks around
And rubs her purty eyes and frowns
And she sez: Rascal, where are we?!
And I’m a standin’ there by tha side of tha bed
Just a smilin’ and a grinnin’
Happy as a hound dog with supper up a tree
And I look down at her
And I sez: Welcome home, Baby Bird
I done got you a permanent nest!!

And she’s so excited and happy
And takes off a runnin’ round tha whole house
Lookin’ into thangs and openin’ doors
And a squealin and a hollerin’ to beat all heck
Then she goes to tha kitchen
And looks at tha sink full a dirty dishes
And looks in tha closet full a ball caps and overalls
And sees Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans
Throwed up all behind tha couch
And the autographed picture of Doug Kershaw
Up on tha wall over tha tv set
And she comes over and stands thar, hands on her hips
Lookin’ at me like she ain’t never seen me before
And she sez: Rascal, whut in tha Sam Hill have you done?!

I got you a home, Baby! I stammer out, all bumfuzzled
My lips a’ quiverin’ like a little ole baby’s
I made all yore dreams come true
Just like you asked me ta do! I done done it!
Me and you’s can settle down now
And have ourselves that big famly yur hankerin’ fer
And we can do all tha thangs you said you wanted ta do
But right now, Baby, we gots to go………
Y’all git on back in tha bed now
And I’ll take care a everthang, you’ll see!
And I tucks her in and tells her ta hush
And I go outside and close tha door
And gits in ma truck that is hitched up to tha trailer house
And I pull us off tha shady creek bank
And out up onto tha highway a headin’ back towards Arkansas.

And that is how
I ended up a deevorced man
Wanted only by the po-lice
With no wife and no future
Just a pickup truck full a microwaves and television sets,
Ten ice chests full of Mary Calendar’s pies,
A hound dog I picked up somewheres ta keep me compny,
And a fairly nice trailer house full a somebody else’s stuff
That I had hitched up to tha back of tha pickup
Down in Lousiana, just this side of N’awlins
Bout six months ago in tha middle of tha night
Right after I had took my baby to Burbon Street
And let her git her fortune tole…….

Ain’t no need fer me ta tell you fellers
That that thar fortune from that ole fortune teller
With her shiny gold tooth and her big empty hand
Was not no where in my favor
No sir.

Hell Far and Damnation!!!!

©by Voo
Dec 9, 2012
8:06 p.m.