Breaking Tradition

Breaking Tradition



It was the first snow of winter
And I was so excited to see it fall
For five years now, we had celebrated the first snow
With a picnic, snow ball fights and making angels on the ground.

Depositing the champagne bottle in a snowbank,
We would eat our cheese and bread, giggling happily
As we anticipated what came next
After the champagne and the snowballs, 
Lying on the ground moving our arms to simulate angel wings,
And dashing inside to the fire, throwing off our heavy clothing
To warm one another with our body heat and love.

It was our tradition and we loved it,
Loved making new traditions that nobody else followed,
That nobody else had ever thought of making,
That nobody else was crazy enough to want to do
But us, the un-traditional, non-conformist lovers of life
And especially each other.

I stood in the doorway, dressed in my warmest clothes
Waiting for you to acknowledge me and the snow
Falling silently and gloriously outside the window
Waiting for your eyes to light up and grin your goofy grin
That told me you were up for whatever I was up for
And maybe even more so on some occasions.

I cleared my throat finally after five minutes of no acknowledgement
And you looked up from your facts and figures
With an annoyed look on your face
And grunted, "What is it?"
My face fell as you turned back to your work
And I sighed and said, "It's snowing."
"Oh, is it? I hadn't noticed." you said, still not looking at me
"It's snowball and champagne time!' I said, cheerfully
"It's time for our picnic and making snow angels and..."
But all you did was shake your head and told me, "No."

"You're joking...." I began but you shushed me
As your phone rang and forgot that I was there
The conversation ended with, "I'll be right there."
And you brushed past me, grabbing papers and briefcase,
A heavy coat, and a last sip of cold coffee
Then snatched up your car keys and off-handedly said,
"See you later, gotta run, gotta get this project done!"
And hurried out the door without a goodbye kiss.

I didn't know what to do at that moment
You had never let anything interfere before
With our winter tradition, started five years earlier
When we were young and poor and had no money
For luxuries or expensive presents or holidays
So we had started our own little holidays
Just for us and we were faithful to our invented traditions
Always.

It was Spring and the birds were singing their newly written
Spring songs, flitting happily from tree to tree
Reminding us that tradition called for celebrating
And today was the perfect day for such an occasion
Warm and mild, sunlight shining through fresh green leaves
The brook out back tripping merrily on it's way
Over stones and sticks, reminding us that it was time
To wade barefoot in it's crystal waters
And splash it's coolness into one another's faces.

I called you at the office and your secretary said
She'd have you call me back after your meeting
So I got dressed in shorts and tank top,
Packed a couple of sandwiches, junk and sodas
And waited for you to call me back
Two hours passed and your call woke me 
From an unplanned nap brought on by boredom
And impatient waiting.

"'I'm sorry but I can't be spared, I'm afraid, today
Or tomorrow either." you said when I'd answered the phone
"But it's Spring!" I protested
"It's the Perfect Day!" Which was what we had named
Our traditional day to celebrate the passing of winter
And the return of new life to our little corner of the world
We always loved that Day and playing in the creek
And eating junk food and soda pop
And lying under a tree on the banks watching
Odd little things floating by and the occasional fish
And making love on a blanket while all around us
New growth budded and bloomed and enveloped us
In their Springtime joy.

But today, you told me no
"You go on and have fun without me." you said
"I'm trying to close this deal and just can't get away till dark
Trying to make money for our future, you know!"
And hung up before I could say another word
And I sat there in the recliner watching the sun
Deposit vitamin D into our cat who looked up at me lazily
And went back to celebrating The Perfect Day
In her own feline way.

Summer came with it's hot sun and seashores
It's waves of sea racing to and then away from
The suntanned people lying on brightly colored beach towels
Soaking up melanoma and not caring in the least
Cause it was summer and school was out
And teachers were freed from the little terrors
They were required to teach things that they'd probably
Never use
Mothers were busy watching with one eye shut
From under big umbrellas
As the little terrors buried one another in sand
And dreamed up new ways to torture
Both mother and siblings as one hot day
Melted into another.

But that was not our tradition
Our tradition consisted of three days off
With no phones, no computers, no television
No visitors, or at least no invited visitors
Even though there was the occasional drop-by unwanted
Person or persons so-called
Who made hasty excuses and apologies
As they made their retreats
When we answered the door clad only
In painted on bathing suits
And surly frowns on our faces
When they finally realized that we were both
Quite naked.

How we laughed when they backed away
And went running for their cars
Or houses of safety next door
Where after their initial shock wore off
They convinced themselves that we had
Indeed been clothed and that their imaginations
Had just been sent into overdrive
By the intense heat of summer
But nevertheless, after the first two summers,
All of our friends and family had decided
That impromptu visits to "you-know-who" 
Were out of the question
Because, you know, they wore those strange swim suits
That looked like they were painted on
But no one could ever say for sure. 

Three long lovely days
Just you and I
And the air conditioning
Eating ice cream till our bellies hurt
Reading my poetry
And your Marvel Comics
To one another
While listening to classical music
That neither of us liked
But insisted that it had to be endured
Because we were sure that one day
We would have a child, a prodigy
That would play Mozart and Beethoven
At Carnegie Hall.

Why and how that belief and tradition came about
We could never quite remember
But it probably came into play one morning
As we watched "The Little Rascals" on tv
While we lay in the living room floor on blankets
We had made tents of the night before
During a terrible thunderstorm
And had lain entwined together in a sleeping bag
Naked as newborn babies
But unlike newborn babies, we had killed three or four
Cheap and not so cheap bottles of wine
And had finished one off the next morning
While watching Spanky and Alfalfa trying to teach Butch
How to sing in his deep frog-like voice
As Darla played a little piano in the background.

It was then that you had raised an almost empty bottle of Merlot
And said, "Our children shall take voice lessons and piano lessons
And one day play at the Carnegie!"
And I had said, "But how, dear? We don't have any children!"
"We don't?" you asked in mock ignorance
"Then by George, we will when I am through!' you shouted
Finishing off the bottle with a tiny sip for me
And then rolling yourself on top of my body
Tickling and giggling with me like we were "little rascals" ourselves
Or at the least, two of those little terrors that teachers
Prayed for summer to hurry up and get there
So they could at last be free from scuffed knees, nonsensical  questions
And those infernal apples that invariably had worms.

Where the idea of going without clothing for three days came from
I am not at all sure 
I think you had found some body paint hidden in a closet 

That somebody had given me at my bridal shower as a joke
And said, "Hey! I'll paint you if you paint me!"
Of course, we didn't need any reason to take our clothes off
As we could barely keep our hands off one another in those days
Of newly wedded bliss and the creation of new Traditions
And doing crazy and wonderful things just for the heck of it
We were open to suggestions, no matter how goofy
As long as they led to long make out sessions
And marathon noisy love making
That was our life and we loved it.

So when the temperature hit 95 in the shade that Summer
I walked into your home office carrying a tray of body paint
And wearing nothing but a smile
And watched you furiously typing something on that laptop keyboard
While checking your gold watch and groaning under your breath
Simultaneously
I thought you were ready for a break and ready to get out of that tie
"Hey, baby." I said, low and seductively
"Know what time it is?" And you said, not looking up
"Time to get this report ready for the boss in the morning!"
"No..........." I said, "It's Summer Tradition Time!"
"Time to take the next three days off and get naked
And decide what sexy painted on bathing suit we're going to wear!"

You made a typo, stopped typing, retyped the word
And looked up at me for the first time since I'd entered the room,
Did a double take and looked back at your keyboard and said
"No. I don't think I can do that this year. Too much to do for work."
And went back into your 'world of work' and left me outside
I was crushed
In five years, you had never let an occasion go by
Without taking me into your arms and ripping your own 
Clothes off and ravishing me like the wolf you are...were...
Well, not until this year........................
This year you had told me "No" more times than I could count
On our Winter Snow Tradition Day, Our Perfect Day in Springtime
Our Summer Mini Vacation with No Clothes Allowed
What would Autumn bring? I wondered and silently
Backed out of the door, ran down the hallway to our bedroom
And flung myself on our bed and cried myself to sleep.

Sometime during the night, I roused a little bit
To feel you come into the room, cover me with a blanket
And then disrobe and slip under the covers, turning off the dim lamp
Leaving me alone at the foot of the bed, feeling unloved and all alone
Sometime later after falling back to sleep, I felt your arms slip around me
As you pulled me up into bed, tickling my face
And murmuring, "Wake up, baby, wake up."
Then without the least bit of foreplay or permission,
You had your way with me and achieving your goal,
Withdrew from me, turned over and went to sleep.

I lay there, stunned, wondering who you were
And what you had done with the man that I loved
You were so alien to me, so selfish and cold
So unlike 'you'
I didn't know what to think or how to feel
I didn't know how I could lay there
Staring at your back and feeling used
And not at all like, the-love-of-your-life
That you had called me for five love filled years
It was almost like I had ceased to exist.

We spent the summer mostly apart
You away on your business trips
And me, visiting with friends and family
Those same people that I rarely saw anymore
Because all my days had been filled up 
With you and us
And our traditions and crazy happy doings
I convinced myself that things would go back to normal
Once your deals were done
And your bosses were happy
I busied myself with writing and painting
And doing charity work and odd jobs
All the while waiting for you to turn back
Into yourself and for our life to resume.

When Autumn would come, particularly Novembers
The first of the month was our special time
To head up into the hills to a little cabin
Where we would ooh and ahh over the leaves
And rake them up and jump on the piles we'd raked
Like two little maniacs, laughing and laughing
We would fish in the lake and have picnics in the boat
Staying out until dark to watch the stars 
Make their appearance
It was our tradition to stay there, lying in one another's arms
Until we saw a shooting star zoom across the sky
And then we would open a bottle of wine
And toast it and name the thing after our first born child
That child, that prodigy that had yet to be born.

Well, that next November rolled around again
That first week, an election year
And I got up early and went out and voted
For what I considered "the lesser of two evils"
Then went home and packed and loaded the car,
Waiting for you to come home and pack
So we could hit the road and head off 
To Paradise In The Hills as we called it
To peace and quiet and golden leaves
And being alone with each other
Hopefully, to reconnect and find out
What we had lost and why.

I waited, yawning by the phone
The tv droned in the background
Talking heads spitting out early election results
That I couldn't care less about
I put out lots of extra food and water for the cat
But she looked at me suspiciously
And tried to hide out in an open suitcase
And I played with her as I waited to hear
Your car pull into the driveway
But it never did
Around four in the afternoon, your secretary called
To say that you had been sent out of town
To take care of an emergency situation in Phoenix
And that you'd be home in a few days
And not to worry about you, all was fine
But all was not fine
And never would be fine again.

I put the cat in your suitcase,
Bagged up all her food and cat toys,
Checked the doors and windows,
Locked everything up tight,
And the cat and I hit the highway
Without so much as a word between us
And I made the long trip up into the mountains
As the sun began to set in the west
Making all the leaves on the trees look
Like they were pure gold and crimson red
And the most beautiful of oranges I'd ever seen
And I cried all the way up the mountain to the cabin
And after a while, the cat began to cry too
But I don't think it was for the same reason.

Lying in the dark in bed later
I watched stars not moving in the sky,
Owls taking up residence in different trees
To hoot back and forth at one another,
Saw the occasional flash of a wild animal's eyes
Which the cat watched with interest
As she purred on my covered feet
I don't think I have ever felt so alone and unloved in my life
As I did just then
I had turned off my phone, saving it for emergencies
And I certainly didn't think finding out who the next
Leader- of- the- Free -World was going to be
Qualified as an emergency
At least not just then
And the cat showed no interest whatsoever.

I was just about to drift off to sleep
When there came a rumble of thunder so loud
That it shook the cabin
And then a lightning flash lit up the outdoors like day
And the cat wound herself around my neck in terror
And I unwound her and held her in my arms
Like the baby I never had
Not because I never wanted one but because
You said it wasn't  the right time yet
But soon, when we could afford it
And our future was secure.

Then the rain came down in buckets
Hitting the tin roof of the cabin like little bombs
But in a good way...........
And the cat settled down, curled up and went to sleep
And with every drop of  rain that fell
It seemed to plunge another hole in my heart
Until all the love and desire I'd ever felt for you
Ran out and left me with a big empty, gaping hole
Where you had lived for five long years
Going on six now............
But it didn't feel the same then
It didn't feel like you would ever live there again
And I didn't know what I would do
But I knew that I had myself and the cat
And that we would be alright.

I drove home on Sunday night
Taking my time and singing along
With the radio
Stopping for hamburgers and milkshakes
And Meow Mix
Listening to radio folk talk about
Who won what office
And how America was going to hell
In a handbasket, whatever the hell that meant
And listening to late night UFO experts
Explain how we had been 'seeded here' by aliens
And to late night preachers explain
That alien spaceships were, in fact,
The demonic hand baskets that we were
Going to hell in if we didn't get washed in the Blood!
I learned quite a lot that night
But I had actually seen an alien spaceship
One night when I was just a teenager
And I was tempted to call in and tell the preacher
That it had looked nothing like a hand basket.

When I got home, your car was still not there
So I unloaded mine and put the suitcases away,
Put the cat in her own little bed
And jumped into mine and pulled the covers
Over my head daring anyone and anything
To wake me up
At the same time hoping they would
'Cause I felt like killing something
I dreamed all night
Dreamed of Autumn and Winter
And Summer and Spring
Like they were people, lovers
Lovers that loved me and I loved them
We were so happy............
We had big celebrations and parties
And wonderful traditions and holidays
And don't ask me how...........
But we also had children.

I awoke from the tail end of a dream
In which I was rolling around in a pile of leaves
Wearing a blue painted on dress
And red mittens, laughing hysterically
At an angel made out of snow
Who was trying to fly but couldn't get off the ground
Finally, she called a cab and took off for the airport
Where, I assume, she caught a flight to Heaven
And I wondered idly if I could possibly obtain
My own ticket to that wonderful place
'Cause I was for certain that I did not want to go
To that other place sans handbasket or whatever.

"Baby, wake up. Wake up, you're having a dream!"
I heard a voice say as a hand shook my shoulder
I opened one eye and saw you leaning over me
Dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and smelling of expensive cologne
I opened the other eye and sat up, rubbing both
And nonchalantly asked, "Who the hell are you!?"
And buried my head back under my pillow
"Ah, c'mon, girl, wake up! I have a surprise for you."
You said pulling the pillow out of my hands
"Get up, get dressed and packed. I'm taking you somewhere.
I'll be back in 45 minutes to pick you up. Be ready!"

Forty-five minutes later, I met you at the front door
I was still in my pajamas, drinking a cup of coffee
I took in your shocked face, watched you frown
As you yelled, "Why aren't you dressed? I told you 45 minutes!"
I shrugged, keeping my foot against the door
"I know I haven't had much time for you lately
And I decided to take you somewhere special to make up for it.
Aren't you happy? I'm breaking with tradition, doing things 
Differently from now on. Things have changed. Lets go!"

"You're right," I said, looking you in the eye
"Things have changed and you changed them.
Things that didn't need changing. Things I loved.
Things I thought you loved, too. We made a vow, remember?
A vow to always be different, non-conformists
To make and keep our own traditions. Remember?
And I've kept my vow and done my part while you conformed
And shut me out." "Ah, c'mon," you argued angrily
"Things change. Don't you want to be with me?"
And I gave a small laugh thinking back over the past year
And all the changes and all the rejection and all the hurt
And I said, quietly but deadly seriously
"Well, I guess I'm breaking with tradition myself now, love
But I'm going to have to tell you no."
And I slammed the door and pulled the chain in it's slot
Not feeling happy, not feeling bad
Not feeling anything.

©by RVoo 
April 8th, 2019