The Man
Who Was Afraid Of Love
I loved a man who was afraid of love
Afraid to let me see inside his heart
Afraid to let me know his inner soul,
Who ended love's attempts before it's start.
I laid my treasures bare before this man
My body, heart and soul, I let him see
I made a secret world where he'd feel safe
But he would never show his soul to me.
He said he could express himself in poetry
But his poetry never gave me much insight
Just question after question after question
And never one true answer came to light.
I tried to see the little boy inside him
I tried to find the hidden man within
I tried to plumb the depths there in his darkness
But in those murky depths I couldn't swim.
I made him laugh, at least I tried
I tried my very best
All my life, I've been known as a funny girl
But he couldn't see my funny side, I guess.
I don't know what more I could have done
For I did try just almost every thing
Gifts and poems and songs and smiles I gave him
Trying to raise a smile and make him sing.
But he would never let me in
Though his heart pleaded for love
And I sought help to help me help
From man and God above.
No answer would he give my questions
No matter how innocent
Vague or banal, no answer at all
I wasted the breath I spent.
Years I knew this mysterious man!
Knew his walk, the way he kissed
The shape of his head, when he went to bed
But I really don't think he exists.
He's a fantasy I made up
From the fantasies he fed me
He couldn't feel and they were not real
(At least in the ways he led me.)
He never asked me what I thought
Just bland generalities
Ignored my interest in his friends and life
And his ghostly family.
While I rambled on and on about mine
Told him stories of my youth
My past, my present, my future dreams
But from him, got little truth.
No single promise did he fulfill
However trivial or deep
He gave me hopes and expectations
But of those, he did not keep.
From daylight to darkness in the blink of an eye
His sweetness would turn into rage
Offended at this, offended at that
And ignoring my love on the page.
I never knew what would set him off
I never knew the right words to say
I walked on eggshells at the end of it all
While his darkness took my sunshine away.
"That man's afraid to love." they told me
"From a distance is the best he can do."
"He can love you in a poem or song,"
But he can Not love you."
And I tried so hard to understand
(For I'm afraid of love myself)
But not so afraid that I won't take a chance
And stop living a life, bereft.
God knows my heart, He knows my soul
He knows the love in me
He put that love in me, Himself
For all the world to see.
But the man I loved could not see love
Nor receive what he longed for
So self destructive, self sabotaging,
In love's face, slammed every door.
I see it all so clearly now
The masks and the charade
Making me think his love was real
In every game he played.
And when the game, could not maintain,
Cruel accusations flew
Blaming me for everything
Knowing none of them were true.
My heart's a walled up city now
To break in, no man would dare
I loved that man so afraid of love
But I no longer care.
©by Voo Shining Stone
