Warriors of the Way
Episode 23
You and You Alone
We freed the horses of their burdens and saw that they had water and apples as well as the green grass there to munch on and left them to rest in their makeshift stable. We ambled to the campsite to make a fire and deposit all that they had carried for us on the ground as we worked. I checked the saddlebag to make sure the box was there and separated the food and other things that I would attend to later. I was so exhausted I did not want to think of what might need doing.
We prepared our meal quietly and tiredly, not especially hungry but needing the nourishment. Each time he glanced at me I felt his unspoken words, words I did not want to hear, now or ever. I knew his plan to leave in the morning and there were no words to describe the pain that tore through my heart at the knowledge of it. I had no plan of my own despite what I had told him. How could I plan anything feeling as I did now about his unacceptable departure? Everything had changed. Everything. He was no longer a stranger, no more a man to be scoffed at or run from. He was a fellow warrior, a brother, a friend, a......a...he was my heart. I choked back a sob and ran to the ledge without looking back. "Vaangelika!" I heard him call. "Where are you going?" "Going to check on our things." I shouted over my shoulder. "I'm alright." I heard him sigh and I imagined the furrow between his brows that I had so come to love. I threw myself down on the pile of skins folded there and cried until I could cry no more. Of all the abandonments I had ever suffered, surely this one was the hardest. Losing Starshine had been my deepest heartbreak but even that could not compare to this. Nothing could compare to this. I could no longer deny that I loved him with every fiber of my being.
His approach woke me suddenly as he dropped some of my belongings down on the skins and I made to hide my tear stained face and busy myself with putting things in their place. He sat and watched me for a while then asked very softly, "Would you prefer that I sleep near the fire tonight since I intend to leave very early in the morning? I left most everything from our journey down with the horses. I thought I should gather the rest of my things here and have them all packed and ready. I..." "I do not care what you do!" I shouted angrily and turned ny back to him. "Why should I care? You do not!" I grabbed at his personal items and flung them at him. "Please, Little Flower." he entreated, dodging my unexpected attack. "Please do not be angry at me. You do not know what..." "No, I do not! You will not tell me! How can I possibly understand your reason for what you do? How?!"
I was so blind with pain, with rage that I had no self control. He reached for my arm but I jerked away from him. "Please go and take your things. I will see you in the morning before you leave. We will say our farewells then." Just then a peal of thunder shook the skies and we both gasped at the violence of it. "Very well." he said. "If that is what you desire." "Yes." I whispered, daring myself to further speak or humiliate myself. I curled up into a ball under one of my blankets listening to him gather this and that and turn to walk down the incline. I heard him pause and clear his throat. "I shall see you at dawn. Hopefully it will not storm. But you will be safe here, I think, Goodnight then my... " He did not finish his thought and left me there with tears streaming down my face as rumbles of thunder brought back memories of our first night together on this ledge.
I tossed and turned waiting for rain that did not come but still the thunder rumbled and occasionally a streak of lightning lit up the night. I thought and thought. I blocked out memories I did not want to remember.I perused every plan that came to my mind. Some I considered but discarded. Some I considered seriously and others I made adjustments to as they presented themselves to my tortured mind. I knew that whatever choice I made would have it's own consequence as all choices do. I slept for a while and dreamed. When I awoke from the dream, I had a plan. I knew what I had to do.
Just before dawn, I gathered my most important items and crept quietly down towards the camp. The fire was barely burning and everything looked misty and gray. I did not see the man. It felt strange. Had he left in the night? Surely not. The thought of it made the anger rage through me again. Betrayal upon betrayal! How dare he?! I filled a pouch with roasted potatoes and fruit, made sure my flasks were full of water and hurried to where Snow was sleeping as the thunder covered the noise I was making. Redemption stood beside Snow there as I made my way inside. I was stunned to see him and gave him a quick hug and asked, "Where is thy master? Has he abandoned thee also?" He gave me an odd look as I saddled and bridled Snow and threw the saddlebags and cases over her back, taking care that I had all my weapons and supplies.I looked all around but saw no trace of the man, not that I intended to meet him one last time or say goodbye.
My plan was to be the one that was leaving and he, the one that was left. I would not give him the satisfaction. I would never let anyone desert me again or leave me behind. That was the plan I had dreamed. Needless to say, it felt hollow and void of victory as he was no where to be seen. I sighed in disappointment, touched my heels to Snow's flanks and rode almost silently out of the encampment. We headed south where I had planned to go all along but Snow seemed agitated and unwilling to go in that direction. I would know why many miles further on but I did not know her reason now.
Lightning seemed to break open the sky as dawn peeked it's head over the horizon. I looked back once hoping to see something, anything and thought I saw movement but it was still too dark to be sure of anything in the distance, I took a sip from the flask and crunched on a carrot, remembering the sweet, soft eyes of my friend the deer. I hoped he would be safe and happy. I hoped I would be safe and happy but I had no idea where my path would take me or what I would find on the way. I missed the oasis, the crystal water, the flowers and the beauty of that wonderful mysterious place. I felt it calling to me, felt it reach out strange hypnotic fingers, felt it breathing in my soul but I steeled myself to continue forward. I wondered how I would live without the cobalt blue eyes of the man upon me, the exquisite touch of his lips, his hands in my hair. I did not know. Already, I felt torn in half, lost, like a child again and not the woman he had made of me. His woman.
Little did I know that those very eyes were filled with tears, the heart of the man breaking inconsolably as he leaned back against one of the boulders that made up that enclosure. He sat there silently watching me appear and ride away without a word. He saw Snow turn her head in his direction but he did not acknowledge it nor did her rider notice, He had not slept but had sat there waiting for the dawn. The dawn that he somehow knew would not present me to him to say goodbye, to feel one last embrace or touch of hand. He knew. Just like he knew that he loved that fierce, angry warrior, that Little Flower who so feared being abandoned and betrayed that she locked her heart away in a dark and desolate place inside herself, daring anyone to break that lock. But he knew he had for a brief time. He had felt the chains fall, the heart open. He had felt her love as she had felt his. He had made her whole as she had made him.
He wondered if he would ever know that pure joy again in this world of peace and chaos. Something that had escaped his grasp for so many, many years. Something that he had not known but once since he had been that lonely little shepherd boy living on the outskirts of the village. Outcast and ostracized, not knowing a father's love. Living in a world of darkness but guided by a brilliant inner light. Never seeing beauty but knowing it was there all the same. Until that day that changed his life. The day he'd washed upon the shore of a unknown land and was rescued by a kindly stranger that tended to his wounds. They ripped the bonded patches from his eyes that had been put there out of fear by a cruel and inscrutible man. Leading him out into the sunshine one day, they told him that he was not blind. Had never been blind. And for the first time since infancy, he had looked and seen the sky. The beautiful blue sky. The sky that was the same color as his eyes. The only blue eyes to be found in that land full of brown.
The stranger had called him Armand and he had liked that name and kept it till he was given another that he liked even better. But he never kept the same name for very long. He was waiting for the one mated to his soul to give him one to keep. But she had not. He sat in the rising dawn, nameless and loveless, watching her ride away as lightning illumined his tears falling like rain. He knew why she had left secretly. He understood her reasons and the wounded pride that made her go. She had her mission and he had his. What he did not know was if he would ever see her again and if she would ever learn his identity. Or that he loved her with all his heart and always had.
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