Squaring the Circle
He happened to me
Like a tragedy happens to some people,
Like a train wreck or a windfall,
Like good time or a bad time,
Like an incurable disease
Leading to death or remission
Or a night full of fantasy
And a dawn of remorse;
He happened.......
He just happened.
The thing about actors is:
They don't know how to be themselves
They don't know how to love themselves
They don't know how to be vulnerable
They are afraid..........
And they avoid knowing and showing
Who they really are
By becoming other people.
Don't ask me how I know this
Stop! I said, don't ask me how I know this!
This is my script and my biography
And my experience and my life
And the scars written here upon this page
Are my scars!
Who are you to intrude upon my private thoughts
And ask offensive, impudent questions?
Oh, yeah..........I forgot......
I asked you to read this, didn't I?
He came in like a hurricane
And I was standing alone on the beach
Wearing my love
And with my heart all exposed
Thinking little else
Wanting little else
But to be in his arms
With his lips pressed to mine
I was the starlet and he was the Star.
To this day I don't know what happened
One minute, all was light and love
And the next minute, darkness descended
And the perfect form before me
Became alien and terrifying
The mouth I had kissed
Twisted into an image of disdain
And the man I adored,
Someone I barely recognized.
And still..............
The memory of the man he was
Haunted my every waking thought
Followed me around like Mary's little lamb,
Jarred me awake like some insane cuckoo clock,
Flashed in my mind like a paparazzi flashbulb,
Heated my body to unbearable temperature,
And made me go cold like a dip in the Artic sea.
Who knows what makes us become
What we eventually become?
Lack of love, too much love?
An inflated big ego? No self esteem?
Not enough discipline? Way too much discipline.....?
Hating ourselves or loving unhealthily
The face that looks back from the wall to wall mirrors?
You tell me
No, wait! Don't tell me!
I'm not sure I want to know
Maybe someday........
Maybe when I'm on my deathbed
And my chest is rattling
And my eyes are dim with age
And the Reaper is standing in the corner
Waiting for my soul to come out of it's shell.....
Maybe then...........
Maybe not.
I was talking about him, not me, anyway
The him that happened to me
Back when life was new and love was an ideal
And every bird sang in it’s tree just for me
Every day was a peach to be plucked
And a sky full of rainbows,
A pocket full of four-leaf clovers
And a story that had no end.
It's all about making changes, isn't it?
New directions, new adventures, new horizons?
New frontiers, new outlooks, new chapters
And all that crap..........
Well, I certainly had my share
After him
I had more than my share,
I had more than I could stand
But I didn't have him.
I could have had him, I could!
The day came when fame and fortune found me
And the world lay at my feet like a shining pearl
The flashbulbs were popping,
The champagne was flowing,
The hands were all clapping,
And the audience was adoring........
And there he stood,
An older and wiser version of his dimmed, dazzling self.
I drew myself up in my four inch heels
Like a queen meeting a peasant,
Like a goddess on a pedestal,
And an luminary orbiting
A star that had no peer,
And I extended my hand for the obligatory kiss
And I said, And you are.....?
I don't believe we've met.
The crushed look on his countenance
Was worth the price of admission
The way his eyes fell
And the sound his heart made
When it dashed to the ground
And shattered into a thousand tiny pieces
There before my dark-shaded and sun tanned,
Older but ever young..........
Make believe, beautiful, Hollywood face.
I lie in the dark
And think about it sometimes
Even now, when fame has ebbed
And fortune has seen it's better days
The kisses on the hand
Are fewer and farther between
And the lovers I loved
Are no longer loved
Just articles and photos
And names on a page.
He never recovered from my rejection
He faded from fame and faded from life
Disappeared into obscurity
And off of the tongue,
Stepped out of the spotlight
So out of sight, out of mind......
Except for mine
Where his bright star still shines.
Vengeance is a hollow victory
Only a fool could celebrate
And celebrate it, I did for a few short days,
Gloating over the way I felt
When I made him feel
The way he made me feel
When he happened to me
Yeah, well, I happened to him!
Two foolish, selfish children,
Two shallow, selfish actors
We don't know who we are
Only what we were
Throwing away treasures
To run after trinkets…..
But the circle always comes back around
Doesn’t it?
Most of the time.
I was standing in the supermarket
Buying peaches and veal,
Looking for items to buy with my coupons,
And there he stood,
Looking puzzled by cantaloupes
And disgusted by carrots,
And our eyes met over the orange juice.
His eyes lit up
And his mouth smiled before he could stop it
And then he remembered
And his back straightened and he turned away
Without a word
And marched out of the store
With empty hands
The circle was squared.
I was crushed,
Tears sprang out of my eyes
And showered my tanned face
Like rain drops in April,
I had no handkerchief
And so they fell, soaking my produce
While customers stared, whispering
Well, that serves her right!
You see, they hadn’t known
About what he had done to me
Only what I had done to him
And he had their sympathy, not me
Tomorrow it would be in all the tabloids
And everyone would know my shame
But not what was buried in my heart
Buried in the sand of the shore
Of first love……………..
I was taking the groceries
Out of the car
And preparing to lug them inside
When I felt a touch on my shoulder
And I turned and it was him
I gasped, not knowing what to do
Stunned, really, to see him there
And stunned, more so, to see his smile.
I’m sorry, he said, I didn’t mean to do that
I didn’t mean to do anything to hurt you
I didn’t mean to…….
Well, I mean’t to do…..I wanted to do…..this
And he took me in his arms
And kissed me like the first time so long ago
When love was new and a movie unscripted.
And all our pretenses fell away,
All our fake and phony importance,
All our glamour that was no glamour at all
But smoke and mirrors
Hiding the small and frightened children
That we were inside……….
We clung there together
Like the present does the past,
Our lips pressed together and our hearts pounding so,
Circles of heartbreak turning to symbols of infinity,
Beginning again a-new and at last
And forgetting everything
That had happened to us.
©By Voo
June 11, 2011
2:11 p.m.
