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Wednesday, March 15, 2017

SIDE EFFECTS AND MIRACLE CURES the funniest thing I have ever written Get comfortable this is gonna take some time......

BE FOREWARNED: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DRINK LIQUIDS WHILE READING THIS!!!



If you love prescription drug commercials as much as I do, this write is for you!!!!!!!!!!! I'd rather die of my original disease, thank you very much!   bwah haha ha


















Side Effects and Miracle Cures



Part One


I had a headache the other day
And went out to seek a cure
The doctor was in and they ushered me back
And he reached out with a hand, pink and pure.

"What seems to be the problem, now?"
He asked with feigned compassion
"I have this pain between my eyes
That can't be fixed with aspirin."

He examined me and x-rayed me
And put me through the mill
CT scans and roasting pans
Then exclaimed, "You're very ill!"

"Oh, Dr, what can you do for me?
Tell me, am I going to die?"
As he sat there sighing and reading my charts
With something like a gleam in his eye.

"I think I have just the thing for you
It came in the mail today
It's pink and blue and has been tentatively approved
By the AMA and the FDA."

So he wrote out a prescription
In a language no linguist could tell
And the pharmacist gave me a strange, funny look
And said, "Let me know if this stuff makes you well."

"I surely shall." I said to him
And made my way back home
Up hill and down and round the town
Just me and my headache, alone.

I fed the dog and kicked the cat
Brought in all the mail
Watered the plants and washed some pants
(My last act before going to hell.)

I settled down upon the couch
My feet up, leaning back
Reached in and pulled out a twenty page pamphlet
And a small bottle out of the sack.

Four hours later, I was still reading
And the night was fast spinning away
The pain was hard throbbing within my poor noggin
And I groaned as the band next door played.

Well, I had to read the side effects
Before I took the pills
So, therefore, read them here below
If you plan on getting ill.







************************************


*POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS AND SYMPTOMS
RELATED TO THE USE OF THIS  CHEMICAL/MEDICATION
AS FOUND IN TWO AND A HALF CLINICAL TRIALS
CONDUCTED IN BOTSWANA AND ITTA BENA, MS
MARKETED NAME: NOIDEA
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS: ZOCTORPROXILZEPAMIVANERIL
ILOSECIPITORROZARILIEVESEEALICECETAMINOPHENITOR*

***BE SURE AND READ THE CONTENTS OF THE ENCLOSED PAMPHLET***

USE OF THIS DRUG MAY OR MAY NOT BE HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
KNOWN POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE:

Swelling of the tongue and/or right foot
Hives, rashes, hashes and rives
Persistent and silent coughing
Bladder leakage and consequential humiliation
Inability to sit or stand for longer than a second
Memory loss (SPECIFICALLY:  forgetting the face of a spouse or ex spouse and good work ethics)
Sharp pains in the stomach not unlike that of being kicked by a mule
Mutant exacerbations of unknown futile expressions
Liver failure and the failure to eat liver
Heart palpitations with excessive gastrointestinal muscular whatchamacallit
Erectile dysfunctions
Divorce proceedings
Hopelessness
Suicidal and homicidal tendencies
Depression and non-excitability
Hatred of mothers-in-law
Inability to swallow bubblegum
Nasty feet
Allergic reactions to the planet Earth and possibly other planets
Fear of bird droppings
Paranoia with a schizophrenic chaser
Fascination with glue and the color cobalt
Murky thinking, feeling murky, i.e.  general murkiness
Brain freeze
Terror of tiny things
Obsession with numbers that do not add up
Excessive sneezing from the left nostril
Persistent, blinding headaches, especially between the eyes
Narcolepsy, dropsy, floppsey, moppsey and other known and unknown oppseys
Inability to listen to anything while hearing everything
Stabbing pains in the chest, accompanied by hallucinations of murder by axe
Monkey fever
Incessant Publisher's Clearinghouse entering with no hope of winning
Urges to go to Kalamazoo, Michigan, play horseshoes with real horses
and eat inedible foods




SUBJECTS HAVE ALSO BEEN OBSERVED TO DO THE FOLLOWING:

Faint
Spit up
Curse excessively
Walk in their sleep but not while awake
Mow the lawn in the nude
Pitch hissy fits
Dial the phone with their elbows
Mumble
Refuse to eat lox
Become aggressive with non-existent people
Wait for mail men wearing suggestive letters
Climb things
Break things
Eat things
Do things
Become unresponsive but highly reactive
Talk back to and argue with their doctors without reason
Sky dive without parachutes
Give in to compulsions for unnecessary dental work
Work at K-Mart on Thursdays
Have an irrational bigotry against pink sweaters
Cause unusual readings on Geiger Counters
Remember both normal and paranormal participations in strange green bean rituals
Have unusual beliefs concerning Twitter and Facebook
(for example, insisting that birds can actually build very small nests on one and that every face on the other is looking at them
Doodle and hum unwritten hymns in church
Know all of the scenes and dialogue in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST movie by heart
Speak rapidly but unintelligibly about a variety of subjects
Have non-existent political party affiliations
Have  unexplainable romantic feelings for the character "Goober" on Mayberry RFD
Plot vengeance against humanity
Obsess over the words "duck duck goose"



IF, UPON CONSUMPTION OF THIS PRODUCT
YOU NOTICE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS
PLEASE CALL YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY
AND LOCK YOURSELF IN A CLOSET UNTIL HELP ARRIVES:
(and may God have mercy on your soul)


Burping sounds without actually burping
(Leaphilia)
Ringing in the back of the mouth
Coagulating
Exsanguination of the lower hypothenuse
Excessive horn blowing
Pain in the lower and upper revenues
Pennilessness and failure to accrue wealth
Inability to boil water
Insane cravings for black pepper and Flintstones Vitamins
Myopic leanings of the first and third clavicles
Tendonitis in both ear lobes
Cornflake obsessions
Spontaneous exorcisms
Incessant singing of the classic "Fever"
Knee popping and alternate finger popping
Laughing at unfunny things
Bonkerism (also known as claudilitus)


OTHER OBSERVED AND RELATED ILLNESSES MAY INCLUDE:

Pigmentation blueosis cellucitus
(or the tendency to turn blue)
Sustained insanity
Ability to see invisible and inanimate objects
Invasion of nanomorphroid platelets
Silliness
Persistent blurriness and out of focus-itis
Loud and irritating munching
Extreme extremities and/or big butts
Loud and obnoxious gum flappage
Sudden uncontrollable explosive bowel movements while near flammable objects
Hardening of the eye lids
Bubonic Plague-like symptoms
Nocturnal cravings for Listerine tacos
Loose fluorescent purple stools
Hand signals that mean nothing
Prolonged moaning  (errinitus)

TELL YOUR DOCTOR IF YOU CANNOT:

Smile
Pay your bills
Hyperventilate
Sit
Stand
Lie down
Wake up
Iron
Make wishes
Drink liquids
Eat solids
Wear plaids




RUN, DON'T WALK IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO:

run
walk
see
think
read this




DO NOT TAKE THIS MEDICATION IF YOU ARE:

Breathing
Living on or off the Pacific or Atlantic coasts
Ugly
Mentally unstable or living in a stable
Have ever had a pock mark
Don't know your zip code
In a boy band
Cannot spell with or without a dictionary
Flatulent




TELL YOUR PHYSICIAN IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO:

Pay your bill




OR IF YOU :



Are planning on taking a trip
Have difficulty remembering to pay your bills
Have ever filed for bankruptcy
Are an illegal alien from outside this galaxy
Have never taken over or under the counter drugs
Whistle





BE ADVISED THAT THIS MEDICATION MAY BE RELATED TO:



Sudden urges to make snow angels on hot pavement
Regurgitation of alphabet soup
Gambling addictions
Obsessions with soap operas
Potato sack races with virtual strangers
Matzo ball making
Chronic eyelash batting
Inability to stay between the lines
Incessant snoring while snorkeling
Mysterious and unexplained pregnancies
Botulism
Rheumatoid halitosis
Sudden nail growth
Flaccidity
Elmo-like giggling
Venus envy
Occasional backfiring
Over production of fungus/fungi/truffles (claudiohypolus)



****SOME PATIENTS (alright, ALL) DEVELOPED INTERESTING PHOBIAS WHILE
ON THIS DRUG.*********

PHOBIAS CONCERNING THE FOLLOWING:



Potato eyes
Indoor activities
Outdoor activities
Their own bones
Fear of dead fish
Plastic spiders
Big band music
Men in white uniforms
Butterfly nets
Taking pink and blue pills
Monopoly money
Urine
Nancy Pelosi
William Shatner
Shatner Williams
Christopher Robin
Women named Meka
Putt Putt Golf
Bellydancing
Stuffed bats
Pancakes without syrup
Birthdays
Constant burnings in the groin area
Clowns
Dangling from helicopters
Fire, no matter how small or how large
Tubers
Freckles
Anything touching their noses
Cough drops
People who teach their dogs to water ski
Smartphones 
Flip phones
Rotary phones
Phones that never ring
Homo sapiens
Homogenized milk
Potting soil



ALL OF THESE SYMPTOMS HAVE BEEN REPORTED BY PARTICIPANTS
IN THE TWO AND A HALF CLINICAL TRIALS:


Lack of libido
Loss of desire to live
Low sperm whale count
Cravings for crabgrass and cockleburrs
Muscular development in the forearms and on the backs of the hands
Tightening of the cheeks (both before and behind)
Unforseen blind spots while driving
Inkpenitus
Inability to say the word Cantalope
Strokes in the right lobe cranium
Strokes in the left lobe cranium
Caving in of the skull
Face planting (mannymoochie syndrome)
Reocurring mononucleosis without having been kissed by teenagers
Fear of sitcoms
Automatic writing of limericks
Emergence of bubbles from body cavities
Irrational desire for emergency autopsies
Very bad breath
Self inflicted woundings and miraculous healings
followed by self inflicted woundings with no consequent healings
Nightmares about mares at night
Pear allergies
Fascinations with aluminum foil
Sudden name changes
Changes in mood and temperament
High temperatures at low altitudes
Sudden changes of religious affiliations
Unfounded beliefs concerning Machu Picchu
Knife swallowing
Severe sore throats
Intermittent Hiccups
Inability to feel heat or cold
No memory of former lives
Staring, bulging eyes
Nervous breakdowns
Volunteering to be human sacrifices
Numerous suicide attempts
And subsequent achievement of their goals







AND/OR THE FOLLOWING INCONSEQUENTIAL DETAILS:

Organ failure
Non functionality
Slowing or stopping of heart
Lung restriction
Diabetes
Myopia
Hyperthyroidism
Restless leg syndrome
Insomnia
Carpal tunnel syndrome
Tics
Ticks
Digestive tract stoppage
Muscular degeneration
Macular degeneration
Callouses
TNJ
IBS
P O T B E L L I E S
RLJ
Bone breakages
Heel spurs
Deafness
Blindness
Dumbness
Arthritis
Osteo-somethin-or-nuther
Spinal cracking
Toe jam football
Monkey fingers
Muddy water
Edema
Psoriasis
Hardening of the arteries
Brain damage
Kleptomania
Boogie fever
Non stop growth of fingers and toes
Baldness
Itchiness
Excessive weight gain
Weight loss
Cannibalism
Night sweats
Insatiable thirst for knowledge
Hot flashes and/or cold starts
Brilliance at any level
Inordinate affection for chairs
Unbearable agony
Night terrors and dreams of old women
Putrefying odors
Excessive hair on face and body
Pouty lips
Bigfoot sightings
Death and near death experiences
Alien abductions








****Disclaimer****
We, the chemists and professionals at AstroZiconMurkinessBaerMonsantaGeneralDrugsYadaYada Yada
pledge to you, the customer, that this product is of the highest quality and available at the
best price we could mark up er make up/markup /figure out how to do legally




This product is NOT available in Generic so don't even ask for it......
Non habit forming, non-narcotic and not legal in Botswana and Itta Bena

Just so you know, in case you: 1. Expire 2. Die 3. Buy the farm
Don't come crying to us because we warned you but you didn't listen. You never listen......
We will not be held responsible for any illness or death caused by failure to read the enclosed 20 page pamphlet and/or failure to follow implicit directions for usage, misuse of product, taking of drug with water, Coke, lemonade, Sprite, milk, juice, tea, coffee, or any liquid in any liquid form. This medication cannot be mixed with any other drug, such as vitamins or  ..... anything.









DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT IF CAP HAS BEEN TAMPERED WITH OR FUNNY
FACES HAVE BEEN DRAWN ON THE BOTTLE
DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT ON STREET CORNERS OR THE INTERNET
OR FROM GUYS NAMED RAMONE
DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT FROM DISCOUNT STORES OR ANY MARKET
THAT LOWERS THE PURCHASE PRICE OF THIS DRUG AS THAT WILL LOWER
OUR INCOMES AND MAKE US VERY ANGRY.
ONLY BUY THIS PRODUCT FROM REPUTABLE ESTABLISHMENTS AND
WELL KNOWN WELL PAID PHARMACEUTICAL PUSHERS DRUG STORES OR RETAIL MARKETS.





************ IN THE EVENT OF YOUR EVENTUAL DEATH*************

PLEASE STOP TAKING THIS MEDICATION IMMEDIATELY AND RETURN
UNUSED PORTION BACK TO YOUR PLACE OF PURCHASE FOR A FULL
REPLACEMENT OF PRODUCT



WE AT AstroZiconMurkinessBaerMonsantaGeneralDrugs WISH YOU ALL THE BEST
AND THANK YOU FOR BUYING OUR FINE PRODUCTS
****************************************************************************
p.s. don't forget to read the entire twenty page pamphlet and follow all instructions
to the letter. or you'll be sorry.






Part Two


Well, soon, it was almost morning
And I finally finished reading this crap
I took two of the pink and blue pills
And laid down for a good healing nap.

Lo and behold, I awakened
From twenty three minutes of sleep
I opened my eyes but I could not see squat
But I know I heard the bleating of sheep.

I tried to sit but I couldn't sit
I tried to stand but fell
I tried to talk and I tried to walk
And I tried to spin and spell.

But nothing came out of my mouth
But foam and utter goo
I crawled out of my bed because
I had to find the glue.

My tongue was swollen and so was my foot
But still, I was determined to dance
I stepped in a pile of bird droppings, pee-yoo!
And of course, that's when I wet my pants.

There were tiny things on the ceiling
There were horse shoes all over the floor
There were bubblegum wrappers and monkeys
There were doorways but there was no door.

In a panic, I was wondering and pondering
Until I remembered the warning
Picked up the pamphlet and sure nuff it said:
No sitting, no standing, no ironing.

So I couldn't sit and I couldn't stand
And I couldn't iron my clothes
But I developed an allergy to running around wrinkled
And I blew off the end of my nose!

"I'll make myself something to eat." I thought
As I coughed with a terrible croup
I melted some crayons in a microwave dish
And made a bowl of some purplegreen soup.

I crawled over and turned on the t.v.
Heard a band playing, "Hail To The Chief"
Threw open the window, excited
And began giving an inaugural speech.

"You're not the President, you idiot!"
Some guy yelled down below
"We've already got an POTUS in D.C."
And I said, "Well, how do you know?"

"Do you come from Hyannis Port, Texas?" he asked
"Can you say all of your A B C's?
Then shut up today." he said, walking away
"Besides you don't even look a little like he."

"Well, maybe I am the Queen." I pouted
"What do you think of that, mister?"
And he said, "Maybe so, hell, what do I know?
You might be the Queen or his sister."

I took a few more of the pink and blue pills
At this rate, now, what could it hurt?
I took them with tea and then out popped my knee
And my kidney fell off with a splurt.

I woke up in the refrigerator
With butter all over my head
What possessed me to do so, I may never know
(Frigidaire makes a terrible bed.)

I became so obsessed with soap operas
By the t.v. I was rooted in place
Taking my part with those young restless hearts
Till the day Erika Cane slapped my face.

"It's all my mother-in-law's fault!" I cried
"I don't care what for nine months she carried!"
I tantrum-ed and twitched and I hated that witch
(Till I remembered that I'd never been married.)

"What's that?" I screamed at a noise, then
And a letter in the mail slot fell through
Publisher's Clearinghouse, oh, rapture, oh, joy
I'm a millionaire now, maybe two.

"I must have me some Corn Flakes to celebrate!"
But in vain, there was none, not a sliver
I dialed up the store with my elbows
Begged and cried but they would not deliver.

I sat in the dark and I planned the demise
Of the store clerk who did me so wrong
Counted the numbers that just would not add up
And then burst into spontaneous song.

The pain, it grew unbearable
The symptoms flared up by the score
I tried so hard to boil water
Till I just couldn't take it anymore.

"I must steal something big!" I cried out loud
"I must eat that shoe, there, over there!"
I must run on the sun but when that wasn't done
I fell inexplicably in love with my chair.

"Oh, Lord, in Heaven, what have I done?
Am I not one of your good boys and girls?"
But the Lord, He just smiled and then after awhile
Said, "You're grounded till the end of the world."

I don't know how long this went on
The days and the nights, they passed by
I thought to myself, (or what I thought was myself)
And I said, "I must give it a try."

I climbed out on the telephone pole
And to my doctor's office, I made a call
"Oh, the doctor's not in, he's on an all expense paid
Trip to an island and won't be back till fall."

"What?!" I screamed, "Don't tell me that!
Do you know what I've been through, you ninny?"
"Shall I call in a refill of Noidea?" she murmured
And I said, "Yes." (Cause I didn't have any.)

"I love you!" I called out as she hung up
"No, I don't!" as I fell on the ground
And I knew in my heart that was beating too slow
That I'd soon have to take that nurse down.

The drug store delivered the medicine
For I no longer remembered to drive
My liver was failing and my organs all ailing
And I wasn't sure I was alive.

My dog and cat, they fled from me
But not before the traitors called the police
They charged me with animal cruelty and lied
Told the whole world that I gave them fleas.

So I took my pills and I fevered and chilled
Followed instructions to the letter, it's true
On the forty-fourth night of no sleep, in my fright
I beheld that my skin had turned blue.

"Well, that's the end!" I said, mourning
"I can't go on blue like this now."
I could be a stand in, for one of the Blue Man group men
But for the life of me, I didn't know how.

Oh, it was hopeless, it was sad
I was skinny as a rake
I lived on crayon soup and feathers
And four times a day, I'd take.....

Those little pink and little blues
Those little pink and blues
I couldn't sit and I couldn't stand
And I couldn't wear red shoes.

One day I found a puppet
And she told me with grace and with tact
"You must fly away, you must do it today
You must fly and must never come back."

So I made my preparations
I climbed up on the roof
I converted to Jewish, a religion, not newish
And I swear that I tell you the truth.

I flew. I flew! I tell you I flew!
I flew from the tops of the trees
My headache was gone and my heart full of song
And I'd have made it if I hadn't sneezed.

For when I sneezed, the aliens saw me
(You know the ones that are hovering, up there?)
But I took my stand and I said, "Look here, man
I'm not going if I can't take my chair."

So, that's my tale and my story
My poor life, as you see, has been wrecked
I didn't die from some dis-ease or headache
But those pink and blue pill side effects.




  
Frank Norbert Stein, CEO and CREATOR  OF NOIDEA
and Author of the above pamphlet...........

(not really)


 ©by Voo
November 06, 08 


God help me...............God help us all..........