COULDN'T HAVE

Couldn't Have

Perched on the edge of the sea cliff like a

Bird contemplating flight I stood stock still

And let the wind caress my face and blow

Back my hair in long black streams.

Down below and out in the distance 

The raging sea beckoned to me 

With it's little white hands of salt and foam

It was a gray day full of clouds and fog

A perfect day to leave the world on 

Does anybody care? I asked out loud

More a plea than a question, more a prayer

Than a plea. Is anybody there? I asked the sky

I waited for an answer that I never expected to come

And felt my heart drop to my stomach and my stomach

Rise up into my chest

Just then a sea gull flew by and I thought I heard it say

Don't do it.

Didn't it? No, couldn't have. Gulls don't talk

I thought of all of the loves I had lost and all

Of the loves that never had been and all of the anguish

I had passed through in ever growing depth and length

Enough was enough.

Just then a ship out on the ocean passed by and I

Thought I heard it's deep bass horn say

Don't do it.

Didn't it? No, couldn't have. Horns don't talk

Nobody will miss me, I thought. Nobody gives a thought

To me. Nobody. Better to do it now and get it over with

Just then a plane flew over my head just below the clouds

And I thought I heard it's engines say

Don't do it

Didn't it? No, couldn't have. Engines don't talk

I'm crazy, I thought, I'm insane

I'm grasping at straws and trying to find reasons

When there aren't any. Why wait? Just do it

Just then a voice behind me in the mist

 Startling and sudden, spoke out loud

In a tone I'd never heard before

And I thought I heard it say in foreign tongues

Don't do it.

Didn't it? No, couldn't have. There was no one there

Nobody cares! I screamed to the winds and the winds

Carried the sound of my cries out into the sea

Echoing off the cliffs and joining with the throng

Of strange white birds that suddenly appeared

Out of nowhere, that hovered there below me

And above the craggy rocks with broken peaks

I'm doing this! I shouted, I'm getting this over with

And nobody can stop me! Nobody on earth!

Then positioning my body like a precision

Olympic diver and letting the icy tears spill down

My determined face, I gave one last look around the

Awful world that had forsaken me and said, Goodbye

Then with courage and despair filling me like helium

I stepped off the cliff into weightless air and waiting death 

And anticipated peace............ 

And I jumped.

I don't know how long I fell

My eyes were closed and my senses resolved to feeling 

Pain unspeakable for the last time but only for a moment

I just wanted it to be over

I prepared to hit the ground with a velocity that took 

My breath and the wind of my falling dried the tears

That still clung to my eyes and twisted my hair 

Into long snake like dreadlocks wet with the mist of the ocean

Now! I thought and braced myself in anticipation. Now, it ends!

Just then, two strong but strangely tender arms broke my fall

And caught me before the moment of impact on the rocks

Swept me up into the sky like a space ship at warp speed

And I opened my eyes and saw that I was surrounded 

By the throng of strange white birds that were no birds at all

But shining beings with wings and shields and swords.

I looked at them in awe, dozens and dozens of them, hovering there

And back to the one who held me in his arms like a broken doll

I looked into his eyes and tried to fathom what I beheld there

But I could not. It might have been love. I don't know, never

Having known it but it felt like love. We told you not to do it

He said without opening his mouth. You are greatly loved whether

You know it or not. Greatly loved.

 And then like an eagle he flew

With me and all the others back to the safety of the cliff top

And set me down in a place I had not noticed before

Green with flowers growing and soft breezes touching me

Like whispers. Live! he said and bounded to the sky with his friends

Forming a V formation and flew into the West like a 

Silent white cloud and was gone before I could blink

I fell to the ground and lay there for hours and slept.

I must have slept. I must have! It must have been a dream

Towards evening time, I picked myself up and started towards

Home, feeling strangely alive and refreshed and renewed

What have I done? I asked myself in amazement. Am I dead or alive?

I did not know. I had never felt alive before

Just then a cloud of white, white birds flew over me without a sound

And for some strange reason I thought the cloud spoke to me

And rained compassion down on me and kindness

No, couldn't have, I thought, Clouds don't talk

Couldn't have. Couldn't have. Couldn't have.

Then my eyes picked up a speck that fell in my direction, falling fast

I watched as it drew near me quiet as snowflakes, white as snow

It fell into my outstretched hands like a longed for gift 

A present to a child on Christmas Day. I caught it in my hands 

And clutched it to my heart.

And I have it still......and it still speaks to me........

It speaks of love and life and I no longer want to die....

I cannot prove what I have told. I cannot convince a soul

I barely convinced myself! But there it lies in it's silver case

Under lock and key, more precious to me than gold:

The white feather that spoke

And you say, It couldn't have

But it did and it does.

©by Voo

Jan 13, 2005

 9:30 p.m.

Across the Bridge Where Angels Dwell
 by Van Morrison