AND I SEZ, BABY

And I Sez, Baby…………….

So I’m settin’ in ma pickup truck

Tha fancy new ‘un I picked up last Sundy

Off an unattended lot

Eatin’ a hot Mary Calendar’s Turkey Pot Pie

Fresh outta tha microwave

That I done run a long cord from to the carport

Of a house that’s dark

Cause the owners done gone to town fer a bit

And my taste buds are a lovin’ it

And I’m a lookin’ for the salt shaker

Shaped like a crowin’ rooster

When I looks over at my baby

And I sez, Baby, what say we hit tha road

And ease on down to N’awlins

And go dancin’ on Burbon Street

And git our fortunes tole?
I thank I see us a gas can a'settin' over thar
By tha shed. I betcha it's full.

Whatchoo say, Baby?

And Baby, she sez,

(Stretched out somewheres

Between tha seat and tha steering wheel

With her feet out tha window

And her long red hair almost in my pie,

She’s a swattin’ mosquitoes

And wrigglin like a crawdad in a crawdad hole)

And she sez: Now, Rascal.……

We don’t have ta go nowheres like Burbon Street

To do no dancin’

Y’know we gots a whole bottle a’ Jim Beam

Up under tha seat……..

And I kin tell ya right now whut your fortune is

And that is that, you ain’t got no fortune

Cause you done spent it all

On that stupid Mar-ee Call-an-dar Pot Pie

Back yonder at that grocery store!

And she sets up and puts her face out tha winder

And turns her back to me and sighs

And I go on and finish my store bought pie

And takes me a big drank a’ grape Kool-aid

(That we done made in a Ziplock bag)

I wipes my mouth with tha back of my hand,

Throw tha pie carton and tha spork out in tha bushes

And I taps her on tha shoulder and I sez:

Hell, Baby, what you want from me?

Don’t I provide you with a roof and a shelter?

Don’t I steal or kill enough fer us to eat on

When we’s hongry?

Don’t I love you enough fer twelve men?

Don’t I sing you to sleep ever night

And keep tha mosquitoes off ye part of tha time?

Don’t I give you back massages while you drive?

Don’t I take ya places and show ya thangs

And give ya an excitin’ life?

What more do you want from me, woman?

I mean…… Hell Far, Baby!

And she’s quiet-like fer a spell

So I go on and pull tha lectrical cord

Out the outlet and roll it up and put it away

And put tha Kool-aid in tha ice chest

With tha orange popsicles and tha cheese and baloney

(Dadgum, a man gits tired a cheese and baloney all tha time!

Sometimes he wants a good hot dinner

Like Turkey Pot Pie er somethin, for cryin’ out loud!)

I make sure no body’s lookin’ and I hightail it across tha road

And swipe that red gas can which turns out ta be full

And I put it under tha tarp with tha microwave

And tha television and various and sundry other necessities

And gits back in tha truck.

Let’s git on outta here while tha gittin’s good, I sez

And she starts tha truck and we vamoose down that dirt road

Doin’ forty mile a hour till we hit tha county line

And kin breathe a little easier…………

Finally, she slows down and turns ta me and sez:

Look, Rascal, look, lord knows I love ye and everthang

But sakes alive, man, I’m a grown woman and I have needs!

I needs me a nest and a place ta call mine and everthang

I can’t be a livin’ in no ole truck tha rest of my life!

You hear what I’m sayin?

And I nod ma head and look out tha winder

And I sez: Yeah, I hear ya, girl, I hear ya

I just don’t know whut to tell ya right now

Seeing as how I am financially humiliated at tha moment

And ain’t got no fortune as you has already pointed out ta me

Just as clear and plain as tha nose on my face,

But I promise ya, I will find a way ta work thangs out

Just as soon as I kin find a way ta work thangs out!

Meantime, let’s us just head on down ta Louisiana

And see what the Good Lord has in store fer us thar

And I will see whut me and Him can come up with. Alright?

And she sez, Alright and we head on down tha road.

She drives all night while I sleep

And then tha next day I sleep all day while she drives

And between tha two of us

We gits all tha way down into Cajun country

Where we stop and hunt craw fish and squirrel and camp out and barbecue

And have us a dandy high ole time

Dancing to Zydeco music on tha radio

And drankin’ Jim Beam and grape Kool-Aid

(But not together, lordy, no, not together!)

And I look at her a smilin’ in tha sunshine

And gettin’ tipsy on Beam

And I gits me an idea.

Tha next three days I let her sleep

While I drive

(Which I don’t like to do

Cause I ain’t got no driver’s license)

(And no permit, neither)

But I figure nobody does down in tha bayou country

Lord only knows. I don’t know

But I keeps my eyes open and my head clear

And I prays fer guidance…………….

Bright and early on Thursday mornin’

Baby wakes up cause she been real tired

From our big night on tha town

And she stretches and yawns

Like a yeller cat a wakin’ in tha sunlight

And she looks around and she looks around

And rubs her purty eyes and frowns

And she sez: Rascal, where are we?!

And I’m a standin’ there by tha side of tha bed

Just a smilin’ and a grinnin’

Happy as a hound dog with supper up a tree

And I look down at her

And I sez: Welcome home, Baby Bird

I done got you a permanent nest!!

And she’s so excited and happy

And takes off a runnin’ round tha whole house

Lookin’ into thangs and openin’ doors

And a squealin and a hollerin’ to beat all heck

Then she goes to tha kitchen

And looks at tha sink full a dirty dishes

And looks in tha closet full a ball caps and overalls

And sees Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans

Throwed up all behind tha couch

And a autographed picture of Doug Kershaw

Up on tha wall over tha tv set

And she comes over and stands thar, hands on her hips

Lookin’ at me like she ain’t never seen me before

And she sez: Rascal, whut in tha Sam Hill have you done?!

I got you a home, Baby! I stammer out, all bumfuzzled

My lips a’ quiverin’ like a little ole baby’s

I made all yore dreams come true

Just like you asked me ta do! I done done it!

Me and you’s can settle down now

And have ourselves that big famly yur hankerin’ fer

And we can do all tha thangs you said you wanted ta do

But right now, Baby, we gots to go………

Y’all git on back in tha bed now

And I’ll take care a everthang, you’ll see!

And I tucks her in and tells her ta hush

And I go outside and close tha door

And gits in ma truck that is hitched up to tha trailer house

And I pull us off tha shady creek bank

And out up onto tha highway a headin’ back towards Arkansas.

And that is how

I ended up a deevorced man

Wanted only by the po-lice

With no wife and no future

Just a pickup truck full a microwaves and television sets,

Three ice chests full of Mary Calendar’s pies,
A hound dog I picked up somewheres ta keep me compny
And a fairly nice trailer house full a somebody 
Else's stuff

That I had hitched up to tha back of tha pickup

Down in Louisiana, just this side of N’awlins
'Bout six month ago in tha middle of tha night

Right after I had took my baby to Burbon Street
And let her git her fortune tole…….

Ain’t no need fer me ta tell you fellers

That that thar fortune from that ole fortune teller

With her shiny gold tooth and her big empty hand

Was not no where in my favor

No siree.

Dadgummit!!

Hell Far and Damnation!!!!

©by Voo

Dec 9, 2012

8:06 p.m.