Squaring The Circle

Squaring the Circle

He happened to me
Like a tragedy happens to some people,
Like a train wreck or a windfall,
Like good time or a bad time,
Like an incurable disease
Leading to death or remission
Or a night full  of fantasy
And a dawn of remorse;
He happened.......
He just happened.

The thing about actors is:
They don't know how to be themselves
They don't know how to love themselves
They don't know how to be vulnerable
They are afraid..........
And they avoid knowing and showing
Who they really are
By becoming other people.

Don't ask me how I know this
Stop! I said, don't  ask me how I know this!
This is my script and my biography
And my experience and my life
And the scars written here upon this page
Are my scars!
Who are  you to intrude upon my private thoughts
And ask offensive, impudent questions?
Oh, yeah..........I forgot......
I asked you to read this, didn't I?

He came in like a hurricane
And I was standing alone on the beach
Wearing my love
And with my heart all exposed
Thinking little else
Wanting little else
But to  be in his arms
With his lips pressed to mine
I was the starlet and he was the Star.

To this day I don't know what happened
One minute, all was light and love
And the next minute, darkness descended
And the perfect form before me
Became alien and terrifying
The mouth I had kissed
Twisted into an image of disdain
And the man I adored,
Someone I barely recognized.

And still..............
The memory of the man he was
Haunted my every waking thought
Followed me around like Mary's little lamb,
Jarred me awake like some insane cuckoo clock,
Flashed in my mind like a paparazzi flashbulb,
Heated my body to unbearable temperature,
And made me go cold like a dip in the Artic sea.

Who knows what makes us become
What we eventually become?
Lack of love, too much love?
An inflated big ego? No self esteem?
Not enough discipline? Way too much discipline.....?
Hating ourselves or loving unhealthily
The face that looks back from the wall to wall mirrors?

You tell me
No, wait! Don't tell me!
I'm not sure I want to know
Maybe someday........
Maybe when I'm on my deathbed
And my chest is rattling
And my eyes are dim with age
And the Reaper is standing in the corner
Waiting for my soul to come out of it's shell.....
Maybe then...........
Maybe not.

I was talking about him, not me, anyway
The him that happened to me
Back when life was new and love was an ideal
And every bird sang in it’s tree just for me
Every day was a peach to be plucked
And a sky full of rainbows,
A pocket full of four-leaf clovers
And a story that had no end.

It's all about making changes, isn't it?
New directions, new adventures, new horizons?
New frontiers, new outlooks, new chapters
And all that crap..........
Well, I certainly had my share
After him
I had more than my share,
I had more than I could stand
But I didn't have him.

I could have had him, I could!
The day came when fame and fortune found me
And the world lay at my feet like a shining pearl
The flashbulbs were popping,
The champagne was flowing,
The hands were all clapping,
And the audience was adoring........
And there he stood,
An older and wiser version of his dimmed, dazzling self.

I drew myself up in my four inch heels
Like a queen meeting a peasant,
Like a goddess on a pedestal,
And an luminary orbiting
A star that had no peer,
And I extended my hand for the obligatory kiss
And I said, And you are.....? 
I don't believe we've met.

The crushed look on his countenance
Was worth the price of admission
The way his eyes fell
And the sound his heart made
When it dashed to the ground
And shattered into a thousand tiny pieces
There before my dark-shaded and sun tanned,
Older but ever young..........
Make believe, beautiful, Hollywood face.

I  lie in the dark
And think about it sometimes
Even now, when fame has ebbed
And fortune has seen it's better days
The kisses on the hand
Are fewer and farther between
And the lovers I loved
Are no longer loved
Just articles and photos
And names on a page.

He never recovered from my rejection
He faded from fame and faded from life
Disappeared into obscurity
And off of the tongue,
Stepped out of the spotlight
So out of sight, out of mind......
Except for mine
Where his bright star still shines.

Vengeance is a hollow victory
Only a fool could celebrate
And celebrate it, I did for a few short days,
Gloating over the way I felt
When I made him feel
The way he made me feel
When he happened to me
Yeah, well, I happened to him!

Two foolish, selfish children,
Two shallow, selfish actors
We don't know who we are
Only what we were
Throwing away treasures
To run after trinkets…..
But the circle always comes back around
Doesn’t it?
Most of the time.

I was standing in the supermarket
Buying peaches and veal,
Looking for items to buy with my coupons,
And there he stood,
Looking puzzled by cantaloupes
And disgusted by carrots,
And our eyes met over the orange juice.

His eyes lit up
And his mouth smiled before he could stop it
And then he remembered
And his back straightened and he turned away
Without a word
And marched out of the store
With empty hands
The circle was squared.

I was crushed,
Tears sprang out of my eyes
And showered my tanned face
Like rain drops in April,
I had no handkerchief
And so they fell, soaking my produce
While customers stared, whispering
Well, that serves her right!

You see, they hadn’t known
About what he had done to me
Only what I had done to him
And he had their sympathy, not me
Tomorrow it would be in all the tabloids
And everyone would know my shame
But not what was buried in my heart
Buried in the sand of the shore
Of first love……………..

I was taking the groceries
Out of the car
And preparing to lug them inside
When I felt a touch on my shoulder
And I turned and it was him
I gasped, not knowing what to do
Stunned, really, to see him there
And stunned, more so, to see his smile.

I’m sorry, he said, I didn’t mean to do that
I didn’t mean to do anything to hurt you
I didn’t mean to…….
Well, I mean’t to do…..I wanted to do…..this
And  he took me in his arms
And kissed me like the first time so long ago
When love was new and a movie unscripted.

And all our pretenses fell away,
All our fake and phony importance,
All our glamour that was no glamour at all
But smoke and mirrors
Hiding the small and frightened children
That we were inside……….

We clung there together
Like the present does the past,
Our lips pressed together and our hearts pounding so,
Circles of heartbreak turning to symbols of infinity,
Beginning again a-new and at last
And forgetting everything
That had happened to us.


©By Voo
June 11, 2011
2:11 p.m.

She's But Braiding Her Hair

She's But Braiding Her Hair



I thought I saw her yesterday
Down at the park where we would lay
Under the elms and willow trees where she would run and hide and tease
And kiss me softly when she was caught and concede the battle that wasn't fought
I thought I saw her sweet face there just momentarily but a stranger stared
And I blinked my eyes and she was gone and I cried to find myself alone.

I thought I heard her musical voice
Tthough in my mind I have no choice
I hear her calling throughout my dreams that wake me to hear my own voice scream
I know she's gone, I know she's gone and left the house, taken the home
I know she's crossed to the other side and left me on this one to reside
With these sweet memories and these sweet dreams that feel so real it merely seems.

That she's still here, safe in my care
She's in front of her mirror, just braiding her hair
In the room down the hall where the moonlight is spilling
And the scent of her perfume is alluring and chilling
There, I hear her faint laughter. There, I see her hair flow
On the silk of the pillow so alive in the glow.

And I want so to love her and I want so to be
With the love of my life that was taken from me
My life is a shadow of the life we once lived so I lie to myself that I've more love to give
That at the end of the day at the top of the stair...............
She's at home, she's not gone, 
She's but braiding her hair.

 ©by Voo
   Oct 28-29, 2004
   for D 

Windows of Opaque

Windows of Opaque


Watching for me outside the realms of love,
They paced like lions in the coliseums of death
Back and forth, and back and forth, undaunted
Waiting for my appearance
And the sealing of my fate.

They had always been there
Since before my birth and even more hungrily, after
Pseudo-lions, but devils underneath
(They rip and tear with words, and claws)
And the damage is un-bearable.

When I was a tiny  thing, I thought
That I would grow to tree top height
And fight these foes like a hero in a myth
But I am grown and I'm still small
And my life goes on like this.

My room, no bigger than a box
Two windows, left and right
But so opaque I can't see out
And no sunlight can peer in
A cruel joke, would you not say, to play on a sightless Seer?

Sometimes a crack forms in the dirty glass
And I see outside for just a moment
Guards with eyes so closely set, they look like one big eye
And all around them, five pointed stars
Falling from satanic skies.

They are puppets but I am not
For I have cut my strings and now
I am only a doll in a heap on the floor
Barely remembering what it is to be human,
Barely containing a piece of a soul.

And today, again, I feel them there
Just outside this place that holds me
Keeps me safe, but keeps me prisoner
Keeps me bound to noise and chain
Like a vessel made of whispers.

This world is no longer lovely, if it ever was
It is illusion and shadow and love that is not there
I feel like a dandelion with no ground to hold onto,
No sky to cry out to, no heart to see into
And no mercy to throw myself upon.

"The prince of this world is a tireless bastard"
I heard that somewhere and I've never forgotten it
For it is true like most things are
Before they become lies that conquer hope,
For repeated long enough, the biggest lie can sound like gospel.

I have found myself a stone.........
A pebble in my shoe that grew
Into a weapon that I can hold
To beat against these panes of glass
Until they break and let me see.

I am no more safe in here than there
So why stay here? Why not just leave?
I crawl through the shattered windows, in this defiance
Holding the stone that has turned to a sword
And drop to the ground upon my shoeless feet.

My guards are amazed, they stop dead still
The lions, those demons that devour mankind,
They howl at my appearance at last,
They climb the walls to get away,
They see my crazy eyes and behold, they are afraid.

My room, the box, falls down behind me
Folds itself and disappears as though it'd never been
And as illusions shatter like a million silver mirrors,
I cry out one last time and march on bleeding feet
With my head held high, through the shards of glass
And my broken, human heart.



©by Voo
Feb 16, 2013
9:30 p.m.

I Wish We

I Wish We


In this world of highs and lows and whys
I seek the wisdom of one who's wise
To tell to me why this whole world cries
And runs so fast to it's own destruction.

A baby's born only to expire
And those who survive are passed through fire
Souvenirs of lust and a night's desire
Born to a world that doesn't want them.

I think of childhood and I can't recall
What it is to rise but remember the fall
And I long for my mother at my doorway to call
But there's nobody there I can see.

A world full of motherless children cry
And beg and plead and hope and die
And reach out their arms towards you and I
But our arms are too full of our pain.

The world in war is a terrible place
Replacing the smiles with it's dread on our face
Promising us hell and giving us taste
As we go marching in to the feast.

The floods have come, the floods have gone
And taken our souls and taken our homes
Left us in sorrow and left us alone
And we walk in the water and weep.

Then the fire, it comes and burns us up
And forces our mouths to drink from it's cup
And the wrath of the world fills our hearts as we sup
And it wins in the end, we concede.

I look around me on this saddest of days
And see humankind in all of it's ways
And I feel so low I can barely pray
So I whisper my wishes out loud.

I wish we could go to a mountain top high
Away to a city hidden there in the sky
Where nobody hurts and nobody cries
And nobody misses their mother.

Where floods cannot reach us and fire cannot burn
And all of the lessons of life have been learned
Where nobody cowers in another man's scorn
And we all live in peace with our brothers.

I wish we could throw down our weapons at last
And live without fear of the future or past
We could seal up that hole where our hate has been cast
And throw the key in the sea and forget it.

I wish we could reach out and take someone's hand
And teach him to live and to love and to stand
For we're all, after all, fellow man's fellow man
Though it's clear we're a disfunctional family.

But I wish, I wish upon a star
For this land so near and for those lands so far
That the rain of peace would put out flames of war
So we'd never fear death anymore.

I wish we could rise up on the wings of a bird
On the winds of the morning like a song to be heard
By the ears of the world with it's clamoring words
And put an end to it's suffering forever.

I wish we could know and I wish we could go
To a place where we all would be ever loved so
To a sky filled with sunshine and to streets made of gold
Far away from this place, I wish we...................

©by Voo
September 3, 2005
 8 p.m.


dedicated to all the Katrina flood victims
and to all victims of the world everywhere

Coming Out Of A Coma REPOST....because, well, I just came out of a coma!!!!! What's up with that????!!! Geez..

                                                           Perhaps the strangest thing                                         you'll ever read..............*

Wandering Soul

Coming Out of a Coma

(and all the subsequent questions

a sleepless girl named Voo might ask)

🦋

What is it about dying

That makes you want to live?

To hold onto life with all your might?

To capture it in a locked cage

And destroy the key?

Even if you never really wanted to live

In the first place?

What is it about love

That makes you want to believe it's real?

And desire to hold it in your arms

And look into it's eyes

Even if you never really believed before

That anything as lovely as love

Could possibly be real?

What is it about a man

That you've never even touched...

Never even kissed...

Never even knew existed

Outside of a dream.....

But just the very thought of that man

Can make your heart beat

Like a thousand warring drums?

What is it about a woman

A woman who is all woman

And yet a child with a million questions

Written on the pages of her heart

A woman who knew she was a woman

Before she was born.....

And spent the rest of her life

Trying to find that child inside herself

Because she knew that child

Knows all the answers?

What is it? All of this?

The irrational, illogical, unreal reality

Of all of this?

The longing to live in the midst of dying?

The yearning for love in the fear of the trying?

The needing to smile in the downpour of crying?

Lucid dreamscapes you walk into

Though you've never known sleep?

Scriptwriters say

That none of this is real

That we are all asleep somewhere

Plugged into some creator's machine

Just dreaming preprogrammed manufactured lives

As He watches to see how we'll react to stimuli.

There's no such thing as crying

No such thing as love

No such thing as living or dying

No hell below or heaven above

No dream to wake up from

No arms to run into

No memories of people

Or places we've been to.

It takes a lot of faith to believe that

Much less faith to believe it's a lie

Like it took no faith at all

To let go of living

But a whole lot of faith

To decide not to die.

Coming out of a coma

Is like being reborn

The world seems strange

And yet oddly familiar

You feel as though you're a newborn baby

Entering into a body that is a thousand years old.

And it's frightening

And exhilarating

And wonderful

And awful

And awful.....

And awful

Because you can't be sure

For a very long time

If anything is real.

You're still in that place you were

Before you came back

To this place

This strange, familiar place

Where people in white uniforms smile

And take your temperature

And check to see if your heart's beating normally

When in that other place

It wasn't even beating at all.

And yet you felt more alive there

Than you ever have here

And you could do a multitude of things

That you have never attempted to do here

You could fly.............you could fly!!!

And every cloud in every silver sky scene

Was so saturated with love

That it rained sometimes for years

And no one ever drowned in it's deluge.

It was wonderful there

And yet it was lonely

Even with it's beauty and majesty

And the ever present perfume

Of fresh cut roses

And newly mown grass

A sun that stayed

 Precisely the same temperature

And nothing ever died there

Not even a dream.

It was lonely there

Because I could not find you

You, the man I have yet to find here

And yet to touch and yet to kiss

And yet to forget

Even though your memory

Covers me like a warm shawl

And follows me everywhere I go

I could not find you there

And I was afraid.

Part of me knows you're not real

But part of me knows that you are

And it's up to me to decide

What part to listen to, what part to believe

But I don't want to make that decision

Because I know that part of me

Will no longer be alive if I do.

For part of me only lives in you,

In your eyes and in your heart

And in the world we have created in our dreams

Dreams made of poetry,

Built of magic and light

In a paradise cradled in an angel's hand

And watched over by every wounded writer

That ever wrote a love song or a fairytale.

You see what I mean?

Only a child knows the answers to these questions

They don't make sense to grown-ups

Those who were born old and will die older

Who never rode a horse of fire

Or danced on thunder or kissed the dead back to life

Like you and I have

We, who have waited eons to find one another

Only to lose ourselves again

When they told us we didn't exist.

We couldn't exist because people like us

Only lived in works of fiction

Pages of prose or long Celtic sagas of lost love

And star crossed songs sung by Sirens of the Sea

Who don't exist either.

You see, we don't exist, you and I

That's why I couldn't find you there

In that other place

And that's why I can't find you here

In this one

Because that place where you and I do exist

And love and laugh and live, my love

Is in a love story in a book, in a library, in a dream

In a fantasy, in a myth, in a fable, in a fairytale

In the minds of people who do not live in this world,

On this planet, in this universe

People who do not know each other and have never met

But who have shared the same dreams for hundreds of ages

Dreaming such magnificent dreams of love and valor

And relentless searching and finding

And going through the cycle again and again and again.

And how do I know that, you ask

With that twinkle in your eye?

Come now, little boy with your mischievous grin,

You tell me!

And you take my girlish hand, fresh with youth

And we laugh and scream into the break of yet another dawn

In voices so loud they will wake the dreamers on other worlds:

Because they are Us!!! We scream, And We are Them!!!

And as long as they exist, so shall we

And as long as we exist, so shall they.

Coming out of a coma

Is like being reborn

The world seems strange

And yet oddly familiar

You feel as though you're a newborn baby

Entering into a body that is a thousand years old.

And it's frightening

And exhilarating

And wonderful

And awful

And awful.....

And awful

Because you can't be sure

For a very long time

If anything is real.

©By Voo