SIDE EFFECTS AND MIRACLE CURES the funniest thing I have ever written Get comfortable this is gonna take some time......

BE FOREWARNED: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO DRINK LIQUIDS WHILE READING THIS!!!

If you love prescription drug commercials as much as I do, this write is for you!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd rather die of my original disease, thank you very much!   bwah haha ha

Side Effects and Miracle Cures

Part One

I had a headache the other day

And went out to seek a cure

The doctor was in and they ushered me back

And he reached out with a hand, pink and pure.

"What seems to be the problem, now?"

He asked with feigned compassion

"I have this pain between my eyes

That can't be fixed with aspirin."

He examined me and x-rayed me

And put me through the mill

CT scans and roasting pans

Then exclaimed, "You're very ill!"

"Oh, Dr, what can you do for me?

Tell me, am I going to die?"

As he sat there sighing and reading my charts

With something like a gleam in his eye.

"I think I have just the thing for you

It came in the mail today

It's pink and blue and has been tentatively approved

By the AMA and the FDA."

So he wrote out a prescription

In a language no linguist could tell

And the pharmacist gave me a strange, funny look

And said, "Let me know if this stuff makes you well."

"I surely shall." I said to him

And made my way back home

Up hill and down and round the town

Just me and my headache, alone.

I fed the dog and kicked the cat

Brought in all the mail

Watered the plants and washed some pants

(My last act before going to hell.)

I settled down upon the couch

My feet up, leaning back

Reached in and pulled out a twenty page pamphlet

And a small bottle out of the sack.

Four hours later, I was still reading

And the night was fast spinning away

The pain was hard throbbing within my poor noggin

And I groaned as the band next door played.

Well, I had to read the side effects

Before I took the pills

So, therefore, read them here below

If you plan on getting ill.

************************************

Found written in tiny letters on side of bottle)

*POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS AND SYMPTOMS

RELATED TO THE USE OF THIS  CHEMICAL/MEDICATION

AS FOUND IN TWO AND A HALF CLINICAL TRIALS

CONDUCTED IN BOTSWANA AND ITTA BENA, MS

MARKETED NAME: NOIDEA

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS: ZOCTORPROXILZEPAMIVANERIL

ILOSECIPITORROZARILIEVESEEALICECETAMINOPHENITOR*

***BE SURE AND READ THE CONTENTS OF THE ENCLOSED PAMPHLET***


PAMPHLET, PAGE 1............................

USE OF THIS DRUG MAY OR MAY NOT BE HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

KNOWN POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE:

Swelling of the tongue and/or right foot

Hives, rashes, hashes and rives

Persistent and silent coughing

Bladder leakage and consequential humiliation

Inability to sit or stand for longer than a second

Memory loss (SPECIFICALLY:  forgetting the face of a spouse or ex spouse and good work ethics)

Sharp pains in the stomach not unlike that of being kicked by a mule

Mutant exacerbations of unknown futile expressions

Liver failure and the failure to eat liver

Heart palpitations with excessive gastrointestinal muscular whatchamacallit

Erectile dysfunctions

Divorce proceedings

Hopelessness

Suicidal and homicidal tendencies

Depression and non-excitability

Hatred of mothers-in-law

Inability to swallow bubblegum

Nasty feet

Allergic reactions to the planet Earth and possibly other planets

Fear of bird droppings

Paranoia with a schizophrenic chaser

Fascination with glue and the color cobalt

Murky thinking, feeling murky, i.e. general murkiness

Brain freeze

Terror of tiny things

Obsession with numbers that do not add up

Excessive sneezing from the left nostril

Persistent, blinding headaches, especially between the eyes

Narcolepsy, dropsy, floppsey, moppsey and other known and unknown oppseys

Inability to listen to anything while hearing everything

Stabbing pains in the chest, accompanied by hallucinations of murder by axe

Monkey fever

Incessant Publisher's Clearinghouse entering with no hope of winning

Urges to go to Kalamazoo, Michigan, play horseshoes with real horses

and eat inedible foods

SUBJECTS HAVE ALSO BEEN OBSERVED TO DO THE FOLLOWING:

Faint

Spit up

Curse excessively

Walk in their sleep but not while awake

Mow the lawn in the nude

Pitch hissy fits

Dial the phone with their elbows

Mumble

Refuse to eat lox

Become aggressive with non-existent people

Wait for mail men wearing suggestive letters

Climb things

Break things

Eat things

Do things

Become unresponsive but highly reactive

Talk back to and argue with their doctors without reason

Sky dive without parachutes

Give in to compulsions for unnecessary dental work

Work at K-Mart on Thursdays

Have an irrational bigotry against pink sweaters

Cause unusual readings on Geiger Counters

Remember both normal and paranormal participations in strange green bean rituals

Have unusual beliefs concerning Twitter and Facebook

(for example, insisting that birds can actually build very small nests on one and that

every face on the other is looking at them

Doodle and hum unwritten hymns in church

Know all of the scenes and dialogue in ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST

movie by heart

Speak rapidly but unintelligibly about a variety of subjects

Have non-existent political party affiliations

Have  unexplainable romantic feelings for the character "Goober" on Mayberry RFD
Plot vengeance against humanity
Obsess over the words "duck duck goose"

IF, UPON CONSUMPTION OF THIS PRODUCT

YOU NOTICE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS

PLEASE CALL YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY

AND LOCK YOURSELF IN A CLOSET UNTIL HELP ARRIVES:

(and may God have mercy on your soul)

Burping sounds without actually burping
(Lea-philia)

Ringing in the back of the mouth

Coagulating

Exsanguination of the lower hypothenuse

Excessive horn blowing

Pain in the lower and upper revenues

Pennilessness and failure to accrue wealth

Inability to boil water

Insane cravings for black pepper and Flintstones Vitamins

Myopic leanings of the first and third clavicles

Tendonitis in both ear lobes

Cornflake obsessions

Spontaneous exorcisms

Incessant singing of the classic "Fever"

Knee popping and alternate finger popping

Laughing at unfunny things
Bonkerism (also known as claudilitus)

OTHER OBSERVED AND RELATED ILLNESSES MAY INCLUDE:

Pigmentation blueosis cellucitus

(or the tendency to turn blue)

Sustained insanity

Ability to see invisible and inanimate objects

Invasion of nanomorphroid platelets

Silliness

Persistent blurriness and out of focus-itis

Loud and irritating munching

Extreme extremities and/or big butts

Loud and obnoxious gum flappage

Sudden uncontrollable explosive bowel movements while near 

flammable objects

Hardening of the eye lids

Bubonic Plague-like symptoms

Nocturnal cravings for tacos with Listerine Sauce

Loose fluorescent purple stools

Hand signals that mean nothing

Prolonged moaning  (errinitus)

TELL YOUR DOCTOR IF YOU CANNOT:

Smile

Pay your bills

Hyperventilate

Sit

Stand

Lie down

Wake up

Iron

Make wishes

Drink liquids

Eat solids

Wear plaids

RUN, DON'T WALK IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO:

run

walk

see

think

read this

DO NOT TAKE THIS MEDICATION IF YOU ARE:

Breathing

Living on or off the Pacific or Atlantic coasts

Ugly

Mentally unstable or living in a stable

Have ever had a pock mark

Don't know your zip code

In a boy band

Cannot spell with or without a dictionary

Flatulent

TELL YOUR PHYSICIAN IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO:

Pay your bill

OR IF YOU :

Are planning on taking a trip

Have difficulty remembering to pay your bills

Have ever filed for bankruptcy

Are an illegal alien from outside this galaxy

Have never taken over or under the counter drugs

Whistle

BE ADVISED THAT THIS MEDICATION MAY BE RELATED TO:

Sudden urges to make snow angels on hot pavement

Regurgitation of alphabet soup

Gambling addictions

Obsessions with soap operas

Potato sack races with virtual strangers

Matzo ball making

Chronic eyelash batting

Inability to stay between the lines

Incessant snoring while snorkeling

Mysterious and unexplained pregnancies

Botulism

Rheumatoid halitosis

Sudden nail growth

Flaccidity

Elmo-like giggling

Venus envy

Occasional backfiring

Over production of fungus/fungi/truffles (claudiohypolus)

****SOME PATIENTS (alright, ALL) DEVELOPED INTERESTING PHOBIAS 

WHILE ON THIS DRUG.*********

PHOBIAS CONCERNING THE FOLLOWING:

Potato eyes

Indoor activities

Outdoor activities

Their own bones

Fear of dead fish

Plastic spiders

Big band music

Men in white uniforms

Butterfly nets

Taking pink and blue pills

Monopoly money

Urine

Nancy Pelosi

William Shatner

Spock (both the Dr and the Vulcan)

Christopher Robin

Women named Meka

Putt Putt Golf

Belly dancing

Stuffed bats

Pancakes without syrup

Birthdays

Constant burnings in the groin area

Clowns

Dangling from helicopters

Fire, no matter how small or how large

Tubers

Freckles

Anything touching their noses

Cough drops

People who teach their dogs to water ski

Smartphones 
Flip phones
Rotary phones
Phones that never ring
Homo sapiens

Homogenized milk
Potting soil

ALL OF THESE SYMPTOMS HAVE BEEN REPORTED BY PARTICIPANTS

IN THE TWO AND A HALF CLINICAL TRIALS:

Lack of libido

Loss of desire to live

Low sperm whale count

Cravings for crabgrass and cockleburs

Muscular development in the forearms and on the backs of the hands

Tightening of the cheeks (both before and behind)

Un-foreseen blind spots while driving

Inkpenitus

Inability to say the word Cantaloupe

Strokes in the right lobe cranium

Strokes in the left lobe cranium

Caving in of the skull
Face planting (mannymoochie syndrome)

Recurring mononucleosis without having been kissed by teenagers

Fear of sitcoms

Automatic writing of limericks

Emergence of bubbles from body cavities

Irrational desires for full frontal examinations

Very bad breath

Self inflicted woundings and miraculous healings

followed by self inflicted woundings with no consequent healings

Nightmares about mares at night

Pear allergies

Making art objects out of aluminum foil

Sudden name changes

Changes in mood and temperament

High temperatures at low altitudes

Sudden changes of religious affiliations

Unfounded beliefs concerning Machu Picchu

Knife swallowing

Severe sore throats

Intermittent Hiccups

Inability to feel heat or cold or death as it creeps in

(Also known as Voolaria)

No memory of former lives

Staring, bulging eyes

Nervous breakdownsh

Volunteering to be human sacrifices

Numerous suicide attempts

And eventual achievement of their goals

But only in sub tropical climates

AND/OR THE FOLLOWING INCONSEQUENTIAL DETAILS:

Organ failure

Non functionality

Slowing or stopping of heart

Lung restriction

Diabetes

Myopia

Hyperthyroidism

Restless leg syndrome

Insomnia

Carpal tunnel syndrome

Tics

Ticks

Digestive tract stoppage

Muscular degeneration

Macular degeneration

Callouses

TNJ

IBS

P O T B E L L I E S
RLJ

Bone breakages

Heel spurs

Deafness

Blindness

Dumbness

Arthritis

Osteo-somethin-or-nuther

Spinal cracking

Toe jam football

Monkey fingers

Muddy water

Edema

Psoriasis

Hardening of the arteries

Brain damage

Kleptomania

Boogie fever

Non stop growth of fingers and toes

Baldness

Itchiness

Excessive weight gain

Weight loss

Cannibalism

Night sweats

Insatiable thirst for knowledge

Hot flashes and/or cold starts

Brilliance at any level

Inordinate affection for chairs

Unbearable agony

Night terrors and dreams of old women

Putrefying odors

Excessive hair on face and body

Pouty lips

Bigfoot sightings

Death and near death experiences

Alien abductions

****Disclaimer****

We, the chemists and professionals at AstroZiconMurkinessBaerMonsantaGeneralDrugsYadaYada Yada

pledge to you, the customer, that this product is of the highest quality and available at the best price we could make up/markup /figure out how to do legally

This product is NOT available in Generic so don't even ask for it......

Non habit forming, non-narcotic and not available in Botswana and Itta Bena, MS

Just so you know, in case you: 1. Expire 2. Die 3. Buy the farm

Don't come crying to us because we warned you but you didn't listen. You never listen...

We will not be held responsible for any illness or death caused by failure to read the enclosed 20 page pamphlet and/or failure to follow implicit directions for usage, misuse of product, taking of drug with water, Coke, lemonade, tea, milk,

juice, coffee, or any liquid in any liquid form. This medication cannot be mixed

with any other drug, such as vitamins or  ..... anything.

DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT IF CAP HAS BEEN TAMPERED WITH OR FUNNY

FACES HAVE BEEN DRAWN ON THE BOTTLE

DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT ON STREET CORNERS OR THE INTERNET

OR FROM GUYS NAMED RAMONE

DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT FROM DISCOUNT STORES OR ANY MARKET

THAT LOWERS THE PURCHASE PRICE OF THIS DRUG AS THAT WILL LOWER

OUR INCOMES AND MAKE US VERY ANGRY.

ONLY BUY THIS PRODUCT FROM REPUTABLE ESTABLISHMENTS AND

WELL KNOWN WELL PAID PHARMACEUTICAL PUSHERS DRUG STORES OR

RETAIL MARKETS.

************ IN THE EVENT OF YOUR EVENTUAL DEATH*************

PLEASE STOP TAKING THIS MEDICATION IMMEDIATELY AND RETURN

UNUSED PORTION BACK TO YOUR PLACE OF PURCHASE FOR A FULL

REPLACEMENT OF PRODUCT

WE AT AstroZiconMurkinessBaerMonsantaGeneralDrugs WISH YOU ALL THE BEST

AND THANK YOU FOR BUYING OUR FINE PRODUCTS

****************************************************************************

p.s. don't forget to read the entire twenty page pamphlet and follow all instructions

to the letter. or you'll be sorry.

Part Two

Well, soon, it was almost morning

And I finally finished reading this crap

I took two of the pink and blue pills

And laid down for a good healing nap.

Lo and behold, I awakened

From twenty three minutes of sleep

I opened my eyes but I could not see squat

And was confused by the bleating of sheep.

I tried to sit but I couldn't sit

I tried to stand but fell

I tried to talk and I tried to walk

And I tried to spin and spell.

But nothing came out of my mouth

But foam and utter goo

I crawled out of my bed because

I had to find the glue.

My tongue was swollen and so was my foot

But still, I was determined to dance

I stepped in a pile of bird droppings, pee-yoo!

And of course, that's when I wet my pants.

There were tiny things on the ceiling

There were horse shoes all over the floor

There were bubblegum wrappers and monkeys

There were doorways but there was no door.

In a panic, I was wondering and pondering

Until I remembered the warning

Picked up the pamphlet and sure nuff it said:

No sitting, no standing, no ironing.

So I couldn't sit and I couldn't stand

And I couldn't iron my clothes

But I developed an allergy to running around wrinkled

And I blew off the end of my nose!

"I'll make myself something to eat." I thought

As I coughed with a terrible croup

I melted some crayons in a microwave dish

And made a bowl of some purplegreen soup.

I crawled over and turned on the t.v.

Heard a band playing, "Hail To The Chief"

Threw open the window, excited

And began giving an inaugural speech.

"You're not the President, you idiot!"

Some guy yelled down below

"We've already got a POTUS in D.C."

And I said, "Well, what do you know?"

"Do you come from Hyannis Port, Mass?" he asked

"Or from Texas so big and so plush?

Then shut up today." he said, walking away

"Besides you don't even look like a Bush!"

"Well, maybe I am the Queen." I pouted

"What do you think of that, mister?"

And he said, "Maybe so, hell, what do I know?

You might be a queen or his sister."

I took a few more of the pink and blue pills

At this rate, now, what could it hurt?

I took them with tea and then out popped my knee

And my kidney fell off with a splurt.

I woke up in the refrigerator

With butter all over my head

What possessed me to do so, I may never know

(Frigidaire makes a terrible bed.)

I  then became obsessed with soap operas

By the t.v. I was rooted in place

Taking my part with those young restless hearts

Till the day Erica Cane slapped my face.

"It's all my mother-in-law's fault!" I cried

"I don't care what for nine months she carried!"

I tantrum-ed and twitched and I hated that witch

(Till I remembered that I'd never been married.)

"What's that?" I screamed at a noise, then

And a letter in the mail slot fell through

Publisher's Clearinghouse, oh, rapture, oh, joy

I'll be a millionaire soon, maybe two.

"I must have me some Corn Flakes to celebrate!"

But in vain, there was none, not a sliver

I dialed up the store with my elbows

Begged and cried but they would not deliver.

I sat in the dark and I planned the demise

Of the store clerk who did me so wrong

Counted the numbers that just would not add up

And then burst into spontaneous song.

The pain, it grew unbearable

The symptoms flared up by the score

I tried so hard to boil water

Till I just couldn't boil anymore.

"I must steal something large!" I cried out 

"I must eat that shoe, there, over there!"

I must run on the sun but when that wasn't done

I fell inexplicably in love with my chair.

"Oh, Lord, in Heaven, what have I done?

Am I not one of your good boys and girls?"

But the Lord, He just smiled and then after awhile

Said, "You're grounded till the end of the world."

I don't know how long this went on

The days and the nights, they passed by

I thought to myself, (or what I thought was myself)

And I said, "I must give it a try."

I climbed out on the telephone pole

And to my doctor's office, I made a call

"Oh, the doctor's not in, he's on an all expense paid

Trip to an island and won't be back till fall."

"What?!" I screamed, "Don't tell me that!

Do you know what I've been through, you ninny?"

"Shall I call in a refill of Noidea?" she murmured

And I said, "Yes." (Cause I didn't have any.)

"I love you!" I called out as she hung up

"No, I don't!" as I fell on the ground

And I knew in my heart that was beating too slow

That I'd soon have to put that nurse down.

The drug store delivered the medicine

For I no longer remembered to drive

My liver was failing and my organs all ailing

And I wasn't sure that I still was alive.

My dog and cat, they ran away

But not til they'd called the police

They charged me with animal cruelty and lied

Told the cops I had given them fleas.

So I took my pills and I fevered and chilled

Followed instructions to the letter, it's true

On the forty-fourth night of no sleep, in my fright

I beheld that my skin had turned blue.

"Well, that's the end!" I said, mourning

"I can't go on blue like this now."

I could be a stand in, for one of the Blue Man group blue men

But for the life of me, I didn't know how.

Oh, it was hopeless, it was sad

I was skinny as a rake

I lived on crayon soup and feathers

And four times a day, I'd take.....

Those little pink and little blues

Those little pink and blues

I couldn't sit and I couldn't stand

And I couldn't wear red shoes.

One day I found a Muppet puppet

And she told me with grace and with tact

"You must fly away, you must do it today

You must fly and must never come back."

So I made my preparations

I climbed up on the roof

I converted to Jewish, a religion, not newish

And I swear that I tell you the truth.

I flew. I flew! I tell you I flew!

I flew from the tops of the trees

My headache was gone and my heart full of song

And I'd have made it if I hadn't sneezed.

For when I sneezed, the aliens heard me

(You know the ones hovering, up there?)

But I took my stand and said, "Look, little green man

I'm not going if I can't take my chair."

So, that's my tale and my story

My poor life, as you see, has been wrecked

I may not decease from some ache or disease

But those pink and blue pill side effects.................

Frank Norbert Stein, CEO and CREATOR  OF NOIDEA

and Author of the above pamphlet...........

(not really)

 ©by Voo

November 06, 08 

                      Frank N. Stein, get it???

God help me......God help you.....God help us all..........omg

the cat with One big EYE

the cat with One Big EYE



Walked out the door the other day
Heading for my car 
Dropped my car keys on the grass 
Didn't know what for 
Heard a sound behind my back 
Didn't see a thing 
But didn't like the sound of it 
Was like a growwwwlllling..........

Scooped up the keys 
And did it quick
Scared of unseen foes 
I turned around and on the ground 
I stopped dead still and froze 
There was a cat with one big Eye 
Staring up at me 
Looking like a tiny tiger 
Hungry for such as me.......

I backed up slowly 
And ran away 
Hurried to my car 
But when I got to the side of the Ford 
The cat was already there 
Where ya going? the cat then asked 
And I didn't know what to say 
I'd never spoken to a cat before 
It was turning out to be a strange day.....

Uh...I'm...uh.um..I'm going to work
I finally just blurted out 
And I looked around with one eye on the ground 
For someone to whom I could shout 
Just chill out, man, the cat then said 
It's not your day to die
Then the alarm clock screamed 
And it shattered the dream 
But all I could do was lie...,,,,,

In a pool of sweat, sheets soaking wet 
So happy I could cry 
The dream was no more 
But when I opened the door..... 
There was the cat with one big Eye.

©by Voo            
Jan 30, 2005
10:30 p.m.